Teacher Fired for Giving More Than 45 Minutes of Homework

By Jeffrey Kao ‘19

Mr. Frederick L. Hardeaux, instructor in Biology, has Reportedly been relieved of his teaching and coaching duties and dismissed by the school. Nineteen of his students reportedly went to the administration to complain about the amount of homework they received this past Monday. Mr. H. apparently made an egregious error by accidentally posting the assigned problem sets at 3:04 pm, so naturally he acknowledged his mistake and, as an act of mercy, gave three chapters of readings for Monday night instead. When these students confronted him about the matter, Mr. H. replied, “You guys don’t have to do the reading, but it will all be on the test anyway, so it’s your call.”

The average time spent on that night’s reading totalled 46 minutes and 12 seconds, which is an entire 1 minute and 12 seconds more than the 45 minute limit for homework each night. As such, the administration felt it necessary to terminate Mr. H’s contract immediately and release him. Upon request, the Head of School’s office released an official statement: “Mr H’s behavior in handing out excessive quantities of homework is absolutely intolerable. While the Blue Book clearly states that classes may have more than 45 minutes of homework per night as long as one course does not consume more than 9 hours of a student’s week, our faculty is dedicated to prioritizing our students’ well being and therefore will not tolerate any actions which would exceed the socially constructed and artificial expectations for a given class. We always put our students first and as such, it was necessary to put an end to these sorts of damaging actions.”

The faculty has been helplessly divided over the issue. Some have stood with Mr. H, enraged at the absurd ineptness of the students to read a weekend’s worth of homework in one night. Many were quite confused, as they were under the impression that the average Andover student could complete a 50 page single spaced 11 point font article on the Transatlantic slave trade in just about an hour. Others, however, have sided with the enraged students. One teacher, who shall remain anonymous, said that even 45 minutes was too much. He commented, “if Andover is dedicated to the Growth Mindset, then it’s appropriate to start where the students are comfortable. If that means 30 minutes of homework, so be it. If it means 15 minutes, no homework, even no class, then those are the measures that need to be taken to ensure that our students are in the best position to succeed”. When asked if this would mean that students are paying tens of thousands of dollars not to learn anything, the anonymous teacher replied, “Students are paying tens of thousands of dollars not to learn anything, yet”.


The Gorilla’s Guide to Andover/Exeter for New Students

Hey there, new Andover students! Whether you’re the first in your family to attend Andover or someone whose family has been a part of the school for years, you probably heard about Andover/Exeter when you applied. But, just in case you didn’t, Andover/Exeter (disrespectfully called Exeter/Andover up north) is the day in which our varsity teams play Exeter’s varsity teams. It’s a great day to hang out with your friends and watch some amazing games. But, with such a packed schedule on Andover/Exeter, most new students don’t know what to do on. So we here at The Gorilla decided to make a guide for helping you make your first A/E the best it can be. Read along to make sure that you’re not left in the dark this weekend!

The first thing you’ll want to do for that day is study for your final exams in the hours prior to the games on campus, or in the hours prior to departure from campus on days in which A/E is off campus. You should have started working on your papers and studying for your exams two weeks earlier, as stated by the Blue Book, but it’s better to stay ahead of the curve than to fall behind! If you study at night, you’ll be tired from a long day of watching sports and dancing. So, study for about 5 hours that morning, before the buses leave for Exeter or the games start here at home. You could even bring some flashcards to study for your Bio-100 final while watching Girls Varsity Volleyball bring the heat against the X! Trust me, future you will thank you!

Next, you’ll want to down yourself in the least Andover garb you own. Wear an article of clothing that you own that has absolutely nothing to do with Andover! Have a shirt that couldn’t be any less blue and has the name of your old school on it? Even better! The best part of A/E is making people guess exactly which school you go to, so try your hardest to not wear anything blue or red, especially at the varsity football game. Also, don’t forget; expose as much skin as possible. A/E in the fall takes place in the middle of November in New England. Wear the shortest shorts you own with the most breathable and skin exposing shirt you own. Intimidating Exeter with your lack of fear of dying from hypothermia is more important than staying warm. And, on the off chance that you end up freezing to death while watching Girls Varsity Soccer wreck the X, don’t worry! Sykes was built for a reason.

Finally, return to your dorm (sorry day students, you and I both know that you’re irrelevant) and study your ass off. Why waste your time at Abbot Ball dancing with your friends and that special someone you want to hookup with and never speak to again when you could vigorously study for your exams coming sooner than you think? It’s better to work on your assignments and get a good night sleep than go to a crowded dance!

Do this and I guarantee that your first Andover/Exeter will be a memorable one! Have a great day, be safe, and have fun! Oh and don’t forget to eat some food and drink some water and stuff.

High School Senior Applies to Only One College. You Won’t Believe What Happens Next!

By Jeffrey Kao ‘19


It’s that time of year for the Phillips Academy class of ‘18. Every day, new acceptances, deferrals, and rejections roll in. Some seniors are elated at being admitted to their dream schools, while others are disappointed that they will have to settle for their safeties yet again, considering they already had to do so for high school. One senior in particular, though, is having an extremely rough admissions season.


Michael Alvarez ‘18 received news last week that he was deferred by the only school to which he had applied. Michael is a one year senior from Paris, Texas, who transferred in halfway through the fall term. As such, Michael was unable to plan out his college applications with a top-of-the-line college counsellor from PA, and he only applied to Wilderbury College.


On campus, Michael plays lacrosse and is an avid actor. Many were quite surprised to hear that Michael had been deferred by Wilderbury, especially given that Wilderbury had just constructed a new theater facility and likely wants to put it to good use.


Perplexed by how Michael got deferred by a school that seems to be such a good fit, the Gorilla did some investigative journalism on the Wilderbury admissions committee. A generic phishing email was sent, falsely promising increased inbox space, and the Wilderbury Dean of Admissions’ log-in credentials were acquired. The Gorilla found the following document: https://panet.andover.edu/bbcswebdav/institution/CCO/Mock%20Admissions%20Session%202017.pdf. It appears that the admissions committee had narrowed everything down to three candidates and had to accept one, wait-list the other, and deny the last. Unfortunately, our very own Michael was outdone by one of the other students, who is believed to be accepted over him because of her double legacy and outstanding accomplishments in gymnastics.


Though Michael’s story may have a sad ending for now, let this be a warning to the class of ‘19. When application season rolls around, apply to a wide variety of many schools. After all, college applications are like dating: if you swipe right on enough people, maybe at least one of them will swipe right back.

Commons Crisis Update: Paresky Confiscates Panini Makers, Taking Away Freedom of the Press

By Jeffrey Kao ‘19

On Wednesday, November 1, Paresky confiscated the panini makers located on the second floor between Homestyle and Grilleworks. This is the most recent development in a conflicts that started a few weeks ago when Homestyle seceded from the Union of Commons stations on October 8. Since then, Commons has already taken action by demoting the size of the cups provided to all Commons stations, in the hopes that this would incentivize other stations to pressure Homestyle into rejoining the Union.

Paresky released an official statement regarding their recent actions, “If Homestyle would like to secede from Commons, they should be able to make do without the rights and privileges that they enjoyed as a part of Commons. Taking away their freedom of the press is just the first of many punishments should Homestyle continue to uphold its secession. We will not hesitate to strip Homestyle of services like healthcare, defense, or even simple funding. Your move, Homestyle.”

The Gorilla has not been able to assess the mood in the Homestyle camp following the destruction of their freedom of press, but it is thought that they are likely reconsidering their independence, given that they do not appear to have thought out the situation at all.

Interestingly, this move has also prompted protests from the side of Grilleworks, Homestyle’s long-time rival and a main catalyst in in its secession. Paresky’s intention was to punish Homestyle, but by removing the panini presses that were used by both Homestylers and Grilleworkes, many Grilleworkers feel they have been unnecessarily caught in the collateral effects of what should have just been a Homestyle-Paresky argument.

Why-Sma L. Cups ‘20, a frequenter of Grilleworks, commented, “This is huge oversight on the part of Commons. Grilleworks has nothing to do with the situation going on with Homestyle’s secession and this is totally unfair. Especially considering that Commons is going to take away all of Homestyle’s first amendment rights and probably won’t stop there, Grilleworks 100% has to be left out of this. Imagine if all of us Grilleworkers lost our freedom of religion, our right to no cruel or unusual punishment, or, God help us, our right to bear arms. Why should we be unable to feel safe at night or go on our beloved weekend deer hunting trips just because Commons doesn’t understand the local geography of the second floor region? Did they really not realize that the free press was enjoyed by Homestyle AND Grilleworks?!?!”

The Gorilla had a brief exchange with a senior, who asked to remain unnamed. He remarked, “My current attitude towards this fiasco can only be conveyed in emojis: 😤😤👎😡😡👮👮🔪🔪💣🈲. Enough said.”

Today, the freedom of the press was taken away. With all sides seemingly blundering around in this crisis, who knows what will happen next?

We Wrote an Article, Google Translated it Through 10 Different Languages, Then Put it Back into English Because Globalism or Something

With readers in 111 countries (that’s actually a true stat that we didn’t make up), The Gorilla has decided to take a more globalist approach to its publication. Andover is part of a diverse, worldwide community that comes from a plethora of cultures and speaks a myriad of languages. As part of our publication’s dedication to Empathy and Inclusion, it just didn’t seem fair to publish exclusively in the one language that every Andover student is required to speak. Every member of the worldwide Andover community should have the equal opportunity to laugh at the 4×5 schedule, EBI programming, and of course Wild Sweet Orange Tea. We decided there was no better way to go about reaching a broader audience then to translate our best articles, memes, and quizzes into 10 popularly spoken languages among our base of readers. But that seemed like a lot of effort, so instead we took this paragraph and google translated it into Spanish. Then we took the Spanish paragraph and translated it into Swahili. Then that one became Russian, then Romanian, then Xhosa, then Georgian, Hausa, Norwegian, Latvian, and Japanese. Then, finally, we translated the Japanese back into English. The following paragraph is the result.

“Eleven students (original, ineffective) and gorillas tried using various multimedia methods all over the world. Andover is part of the language, part of an international language, derived from many cultures and spoken in many languages. Some of our commitments to journalists, enthusiasts and enhancers can not print words or donors to all students. And there is a chance to laugh all over the world with 4×5 program. And of course the EBA system is Orange Orange Tea. We conclude that seeing large numbers of documents, documents, and questions by ten languages ​​readers can not attract public attention. But it seems to be a big effort, I am spoken in Google and Spain. I went to Spain and called juice. Then it became Russia, Rome, Togo, Georgia, Flower, Norway, Latvia, Japan. So, I will translate Japanese into English. The result is the following article.”

We here at the Gorilla would like to thank you for going on this journey with us. It is not every day that we can say we’ve evolved as a publication to be able to provide our work to people all across the globe who can understand extremely skewed and incorrect English. Once again, thank you all, and we hope that we can continue to produce this type of content in the near future.

Exposed!!! Lower Found to Have Deep Ties to Grasshopper Ticket Black Market

By Thomas Wiener ‘19

After hiding out under tables in upper right, the Gorilla spotlight reporter uncovered shocking evidence that Lower Class Representative Jim Slim ‘20 had been getting his hands dirty in the Grasshopper ticket black market.

Slim had hoped to get funds for his class trip to the Upper East Side of Manhattan, but apparently his classmates didn’t share his taste for expensive trips. Slim began to worry about failing to keep the promises he had made last spring: “I’m fully aware of the high bar for success that previous class reps had maintained for so long,” said Slim. “What kind of class representative makes an unrealistic platform in his campaign and doesn’t follow through in the fall?”

At first Jim tried getting funds from some of the Trustees, who unfortunately had apparently refused to donate any money until Pasta Mondays were reinstated at Commons. The Tang Institute also said they were willing to donate to the cause, but couldn’t since Jim could only accept payment via BlueCard.

Slim’s hopes seemed quite, well, slim, until he found inspiration after watching the pilot episode of Breaking Bad during his hour in the sleep room. Within a few periods, he was buying Grasshopper tickets from seniors and slapping Supreme stickers on them before selling them to impressionable freshmen in the lucrative underground market.

Unfortunately, Slim’ elaborate scheme was ousted just a few days later. Despite promising she totally wouldn’t tell anyone, Slim’s friend Passe Fayle ‘20 lowkey told one of the guys on her cluster soccer team who “knows how to keep a secret, trust me,” but then he told one dude “who, like, never snitches or anything,” who instead passed the incriminating info onto another kid, who promised he would “keep it lowkey.”
This student, however, did not keep it lowkey.

Jim Slim’s Cluster Dean was appalled when the news broke out. “It’s truly shocking to think that anyone would consider trying to make a profit from such a valuable and limited commodity as a Grasshopper ticket.”

Poor Jim. He just wanted to use the trip to gain respect among his peers, after all. Even I think that’s a pretty desperate way to get people to like you, and I write for the Gorilla.

In other news, are you feeling a little chilly from that doozie of a cold fall breeze? Your pals here at the Gorilla suggest sporting a warm pair of slacks and trading in that cold Premium Still Water™ for a nice warm cup of joe.


Students Enraged Over Discontinuation of Pasta Mondays

By Jeffrey Kao ‘19

The student body was furious to learn yesterday that Commons Pasta Mondays are no longer going to be a regular occurrence, due to budgetary constraints. Pasta Mondays, a meal introduced at the beginning of this school year in which pasta is served almost exclusively for dinner every Monday, were very well-received by the community and considered to be one of the best dinners in Commons.

Penne Farfalle ‘18 shared, “I was considering transferring out of PA my senior year because frankly, I’ve had enough of bad Commons food over the past three years. The food was really letting down my Andover experience. I was overjoyed this year, though, at the introduction of Pasta Mondays. My love for Andover was reignited and it felt like my life went back to color, after three years of black-and-white. I guess I’m back to grayscale now that Commons is done with Pasta Mondays.”

A Commons representative stated that Pasta Mondays were taking up too much of the budget and that it had to be sacrificed for the other meals to retain their quality. “It simply cost too much money to mass produce the exact same pasta and sauces we provide every lunch and dinner, just on a bigger scale,” the representative said. “We had no choice, we did what had to be done.”

Student protest has ranged from petitions to sit-ins to hunger strikes, in the most extreme cases. Devoted protesters, like Ri Gatoni ‘20, were happy to know that they have the backing of several notable alumni, all of whom are refusing to donate to the $400 million Knowledge and Goodness fundraising campaign unless Pasta Mondays are reinstated. “My friends and I were protesting the lack of Pasta Mondays when we heard the news,” Gatoni stated. “We were so excited, and we’re even happier now that the school is really scrambling after learning that these alumni might not donate. Who knew that rich and powerful alumni were the ones actually in charge of this school?”

It is yet to be decided what the administration is going to do about this fiasco, but many speculate that the beloved meal will be reinstated in the near future. In other news, the Andover chapter of Pastafarianism has absolutely “lost our sauce” over their lord and savior, pasta, no longer being offered in Commons for all to eat every Monday evening.

11 Varsity Jackets the Athletic Stockroom Doesn’t Want You to Know About

At this point, it’s common knowledge that the stockroom will reluctantly make you just about any varsity jacket you ask for. If you don’t know what we mean, look around until you see a jacket for Drumline, SLAM or Outdoor Pursuits. Heck, we even consider speaking Greek to be a varsity sport! The increasing absurdity of the Academy’s standards for athletic excellence got us intrigued. After doing a little digging, we found all of the more subtle excuses you can have to flaunt your very own physical prowess. Here are the 11 varsity jackets the athletic stockroom doesn’t want you to know about.


  • Varsity Summer Gardening Work Duty
    • Most summer sports at Andover are restricted to the spring term, like baseball, but the real boys of summer are the day students who put in hours cleaning up beds around campus.
  • Varsity EBI
    • All sports require a certain degree of mental fortitude and toughness, but few athletes are at levels where they can be as woke as our EBI squad.
  • Varsity Cycling from Bertha Bailey to Campus
    • It’s a straight shot, but it’s uphill on a three-speed bike you probably stole. Helmets recommended but not required.
  • Varsity Commons Door Holding
    • No other sport demands so much stamina and timing. If Palfrey ever has to touch a door, the entire team does wind sprints.
  • Varsity ASM
    • The patch on the front is a silhouette of a freshman making noise in the upper balcony.
  • Varsity Admissions Door Holding
    • If you made Varsity Commons Door Holding, then this may be the sport for you another term. Best for athletes whose skillset is more focused on flattery.
  • Varsity Chess
    • We’re recruiting. That’s not a joke, we actually recruit chess players now.
  • Varsity Music Basics
    • The most demanding part of joining this team is developing the agility and coordination to cross Main street four times a day without getting hit by a car.
  • Varsity Fundraising
    • The team is constantly chasing the all-time school record of $400 million in one term. The two biggest meets of the year are the A/E Young Alumni Challenge and the Senior Gift.
  • Varsity Nordic
  • Varsity Satire
    • What do we have in common with Varsity Track? All you really need to do for a letter is show up.


REPORT: Could We Eventually Learn to Understand Rowers’ Foreign Language?

COMMONS, 6:37 pm:
Having just finished looking at memes to “get an idea for my English paper”, local lower Notta S. Portte ‘20 looked longingly at the empty pizza platters and lack of beyond meat stir-fry. After conceding to the idea that she had to eat whole grain pasta and no dessert, Portte looked around upper right to find four people at a table that she may have talked to once or twice last year, and walked over.

“Η σημερινή πρακτική ήταν τόσο έντονη”, said one member of the table.

“Ναι, το ergo μου ήταν τόσο λίπος σήμερα” replied another.

Portte told a Gorilla representative sitting alone in the corner watching Kung Fu Panda that she “was so confused it was like a repeat of the first day of Math-210”. She continued, “Honestly, I was happy to hear the word ‘I’ because it meant they were speaking English.”

When asked if she had ever rowed before, Portte made the mistake of saying yes, and was then bombarded by questions such as “πόσο?” and “Αυτό δεν είναι τρομερό”.

After about 10 minutes of full immersion, Portte was able to begin to distinguish the things that the rowers were talking about. “I just got used to all seven different words they used. It was also pretty easy when the word ‘ergo’ came up at least 4 times per sentence. Eventually, they even acknowledged my presence at the table after I said something about my sport being time-consuming.

In other news, a coxswain was recently found bruised in a bush after reportedly claiming that their sport is one of the most physically demanding on campus.



Oh No! Senior Class Left Without Boat Cruise After Varsity Football Team “Burned the Boat”

By Max Vale ‘18

The Class of 2018 was surprised to find invitations to a seniors-only boat cruise in their mailboxes last Wednesday. Though it was announced under a week ago, the students felt like they were waiting for years. Everyone, from the artists to the athletes, were planning on attending. However, what was supposed to be a fun night for the senior class was an uneventful one, as there was no boat cruise. After classes on Tuesday, the senior class received an email today stating that the varsity football team had gone to Boston over the weekend and “burned the boat”.

How sad!

Sources confirmed that on Sunday evening, the entirety of the Andover Football team traveled down to Boston Harbor to light the boat that the senior class was supposed to have its cruise on ablaze. When asked about why they would do this, co-captain Tamir Anderson ‘18 said, “Up until now, the football team hasn’t had a phrase that we use. The field hockey team has “Don’t settle”, the girl’s soccer team has “Whatever it takes”, and football needed a phrase too. We decided on ‘Burn the Boats’, and we wanted to send a message to everyone by burning the boat for real. It’s ring season here in Andover, and we want everyone else to know that we’re not going down.”

New Upper and Receiver for Andover, Kyle Durham, said, “It was an honor to light the boat on fire alongside my teammates. It really set the tone for the rest of the season and made me feel at home. If you’re on the fence about coming here, I encourage you to #SayYesToAndover for experiences like mine!” When asked about how the teams’ actions might affect the senior class, Durham responded, “Yeah, I can understand why they might react negatively to this, seeing as how they need a break from college apps and the stress of senior year. But, it was our captains’ ideas anyway, and they’re both seniors. So, how bad could it really be?”

Fortunately, most of the Andover community does not like the actions that have been taken out by the team. Dean of Students, Charlotte Jenkins ‘88, P’20, has spoken out against the team’s actions. “I honestly can’t believe these kids would fucking do this. Like, what the actual fuck? I love football, I really do. I love going to the games with my family and watching my students absolutely destroy the other teams. And I understand that they wanted to bond the team, but burning a fucking boat? For real? Do they know how much this cost us, in both finances and PR? Their parents’ money can’t save them this time. I swear, if our rankings go down after this incident, I’m going to have their asses.”

Joshua Fitzpatrick ‘18, the other co-captain for the Andover football team, admitted that he and Anderson could have inspired the team some other way. “Yeah, I can see why the school would be mad at us for actually lighting the boat on fire. We definitely could have, and in retrospect should have, had a team bonding activity without committing arson. But, we’re trying to have an undefeated season, and you can’t do that without doing something big. Also, I don’t care who you are, you can’t say that lighting the boat on fire wasn’t ‘lit’.”

As of right now, it is unclear what disciplinary action, if any, will be taken upon the team. No matter what the administration decides to do, it’s abundantly clear that they could always rent out another boat and pay for the first boat’s damages with the school’s new 400 million dollar fundraising campaign.