- Cite the Blue Book in a paper.
- Eat raw caffeine.
- Check mailbox.
- Become a board member of a nonexistent club.
- Blue yourself at A/E.
- Snort a line of salt in Commons.
- Climb to the top of the bell curve.
- Attend breakfast.
- Support local businesses like Starbucks and CVS.
- Make a call from the dorm room phone.
- Be that guy.
- Streak on the Great Lawn (call it a Rapid Flasher).
- Go to Elson to… work on an art project.
- Understand a DramaLab.
- Engage in moral combat.
- Meet a day student.
- Defeat Lion Rampant in battle.
- Get (s)exiled.
- Wear a Patagonia.
- Scream and grunt loudly in Commons for no reason.
- Sign in.
- Say hi to your Blue Key.
- Stay awake during an ASM.
- Eat Domino’s for 5 meals in a row.
- Collect all of Paul Murphy’s gold stars like they’re fucking gym badges.
In light of the recent faculty vote on new parietal rules, Andover has seen a huge spike in “private conversations” between males and females on campus, according to a recent Gorilla survey. The permissive new policy, known as Proposal A, has revitalized hundreds of heterosexual relationships across campus.
Questioned about the purpose of the rule changes, one faculty member said, “Well, our primary goal with these new rules is to fulfill the principles of equity and inclusion outlined in the strategic plan. As such, it is our firm belief that a pair of fourteen year olds who just met at the Den should be treated with the same amount of trust as a pair of eighteen-year-olds in a year-long relationship. As an institution, we are committed to treating all of our heterosexual, cisgender students equally.”
Asked if the new policy was meant to somehow deter sexual activity at Andover, the faculty member said, “Any rational student would avoid sexual activity. Look on the bright side. If you stay patient and remain abstinent now, your social life in college will be a breeze.”
When asked to comment generally on Phillips Academy’s stance on relationships between students, one house counselor remarked, “We recognize that ‘healthy relationships require a certain amount of privacy and a place where students can feel at home,’ (Bluebook, 22). Which is why we believe that the door should be open and the lights should stay on for all parietals.”
In an impromptu interview in room 215 in Stuart H. Elbridge House, our reporter sat down with local couple Michael Williams and Kristina Hunt, who were just finishing up a “private conversation.”
“All the private conversations we’ve been having lately have really allowed my relationship to blossom,” said Michael. “What happens between us is fully disclosed to the whole dorm and its like my relationship becomes theirs. Actually, my neighbor’s given us some pretty solid tips on how to have a little less ‘conversation.’”
At the conclusion of the interview, our reporter left Michael and Kristina to continue their conversation in peaceful silence, interrupted only by the sounds of vigorous thrusting in the next room.
Endowment: $43,000,810 in Starbucks Gift Cards
Status of Brow Game: On Fleek
Red Meat Eaten: 53,067 kg
Senioritis Index: 0.83
Words Left to Meet Word-Count for Winter Term Paper: 666
Domino’s Consumption: 3.2 x 1012 kg/hr
Sudafed Prescribed: 4.5×106 metric tonnes per head
# of Hashtags Used: #2many
Likelihood Rabbit Pond is Populated by Kraken: 93%
Chances The Gorilla is a Drug Front: Nahhhh. Course not.
Secret Societies: Σσσς.
Percentage of Bandwidth Used up by Pornography: 69%
Phallic Symbols: <=3
Storage Space Used by Emails in Inbox Devoted to Messages About Having Too Many Emails in Inbox: 252.7 MB / 300 MB
Uninformed Uses of the Word “Juxtaposition” in Bulfinch: 57,629