Interviews are a crucial part of the college application process, just like Netflix is a crucial part of the essay writing process. College interviewers have seen every type of student, so in order to ensure success, you’ll want to leave them with a lasting impression and perhaps permanent psychological trauma. Follow these tips to conquer your interview like Christopher Columbus “conquered” “India.”
Part 1: Establish your Strengths
It’s essential to assess what you have going for you before even entering the interview. This way you can more effectively account for you weaknesses.
What’s in your interview toolbox?
-A prestigious high school
-Two mismatched socks
-An Altoids tin full of sweet sweet Mary Jane
Part 2: During the Interview:
Once you’re actually sitting in the room, the interview can be especially intimidating. Here’s some tips to help you keep your cool:
-Do NOT shower beforehand. College interviewers are trained to smell fear- throw them off with a heavy musk of BO and grease.
-Adopt an accent to make yourself sound more exotic, not like the boring fuck you actually are.
-Don’t be afraid to tickle their palm with your pinky finger when you shake their hand. It lets them know you’re friendly.
-Awkward silences are a MUST. Include them at all costs.
-College interviews will be impressed with your willingness to ask original questions, ie. “Where am I? What year is it? Am I in yet?”
-ENGAGE with your interviewer. A friendly touch to the thigh or stroke of their hair will make you both more comfortable and relaxed.
-To keep your interviewer on their toes, lock them into a death stare while answering every single question. If they try to break eye contact, PURSUE.
Part 3: Ending the Interview
When stuck with a tricky questions or whenever you feel the interview is over, here are some escape options:
- Utilize any and all fire alarms. Alternatively, start an actual fire. This demonstrates basic survival skills.
- Stab yourself with a pencil, jump out of your chair and yell “I’ve been stabbed!”
- If there’s a hole puncher (or equally dense metal object) nearby, use it to hit your interviewer over the left temple- guaranteed amnesia.
- If faced with a particularly difficult question, taking a phone call is a great way to secure extra thinking time. If you didn’t bring a phone, a banana will serve just as well.
- Yell- “Pull the lever Kronk!!” and run out. Your interviewer will undoubtedly be an Emperor’s New Groove fan and fast track your application immediately.
Frequently asked questions:
Q: Will there be food here?
A: Yes- if you consider cannibalism an acceptable practice.
Q: How should I dress?
A: You want to appear clean and comfortable, so a vaguely washed pair of sweats will do just fine.
Q: What’s the first thing I should do?
A: As you first enter, observe the room meticulously. This will come in handy later when making your escape.
Disclaimer: We are not liable for any and all injuries, venereal diseases, head wounds, or any other permanent/temporary, physical/mental harm sustained/inflicted by using these tips during an interview