After The Phillipian’s release of the 2016 “State of the Academy,” Andover students reportedly came across a mysterious thing called “newspapers.” Following years of never having seen the strange bundles of thin paper-like material, newspapers sporting the “State of the Academy” headline made their way into every student’s hands within minutes.
“I had never seen these things before,” exclaimed local freshman Ben Adryll ‘19 as he held the neatly folded stack of data in his hands. “It was like a bunch of big pieces of paper folded up into one giant packet. How are you supposed to read this thing?” Adryll asked as he opened up the packet, accidentally letting the papers on the inside fall out onto the ground. “Wait, 33% of Trump supporters consider themselves feminist?”
Ms. Tirious, a faculty member having taught at Andover for 57 years, commented further. “It felt like I had just traveled through time! I am so used to watching kids walk down the paths with their heads buried in their cell phones, but now their heads are all buried in newspapers. Lunch conversations that were once casual now seem to just be pointing out random statistics, like how the number of students who have used psilocybin mushrooms equals the number of students who responded ‘no’ to ‘do you think that climate change exists.’ I don’t get what this new fuss is about.” Ms. Tirious was then handed a copy of the “State of the Academy,” and she has been reading it and gossiping about it ever since.
In an email from the Phillipian, we see that they are determined to bring print media back to the Andover community. “What better way to deliver news than kill trees and use up ink?” they said. “If there’s one way to keep students from getting hit by cars crossing the street while being buried in their phone, it is to get them crossing the street while being buried in a newspaper.”
A magic 8 ball reported that after the “State of the Academy” was published on the Phillipian website, students threw their newspapers on the ground and pulled it up on their phones before continuing with their day. As of now, no comment about the fact that there is data displayed inside a picture of a condom on the sex section has been heard.