Co-Writtten by Ethan Brown ‘17 and Sebastian Bishop ‘17
Due to yesterday’s brutally torrential downpour of rain, the Club Rally moved to lower right of Paresky. Unfortunately, due to this poor choice of location, freshmen and lowers were socially obligated by the unwritten rules of the Academy to not attend.
“I don’t care if you’re on the board of a club,” said Holly Day ’18. “You can’t come into lower right unless you’re an upperclassman or a member of a varsity sport, and only then if it’s a special occasion.” Day had just enjoyed her second meal in lower right the previous evening, having sat in lower left every other day because she was too intimidated. Even while she was running the table for the PA Closeted Conservative Society, she still got several passive-aggressive stares from her senior classmates.
Dan Deelyon ‘17, who doesn’t participate in any clubs, was seen hoisting unsuspecting underclassmen onto his shoulder and carrying them out of lower right. “It’s too late for me to join anything and have it look good on my common app, but I still showed up to get the satisfaction of hazing underclassmen for being born in a different year than I was.”
After the last of the underclassmen had been removed, Student Activities office became worried that clubs would not be able to flourish in the new generation. Club email lists became solely uppers and seniors, limiting the potential for the clubs to live on. The editors of the Phillipian were particularly worried, considering members need at least five years of experience in the club to apply for an upper management position.
Due to many uppers and seniors already being overcommitted, board members didn’t have much to do for the final hour, as no one was signing up for clubs. “I was really confused – people kept coming over to take a piece of candy, but they never put their name on the email list. I guess uppers really don’t care about trying new things anymore,” explained Luke Warm ‘17, Co-President of Pokemon Go Club.
In other news, the omelette bar decided Friday to replace the ham with Beyond Meat®, saying that students “aren’t taking enough vegetables.”