By Sebastian Bishop ’17
Horrified students discovered this evening that Commons was on the brink of collapse when they walked in to find “Pasta Palooza” written on the screens. Their hearts sank to an all time low, knowing that the lack of creativity in a main course was the final nail in the coffin. After the paper bag quintine of 2015, the vicious Beyond Meat and eggplant wars between vegans and carnivores, and the removal of bagels, Commons finally fell to its knees in defeat. Once the final harvest of grain came to a close, Commons was forced to serve pasta, the default dish that people get when they don’t want to wait in line, as a main course. That, and some weird fish thing downstairs.
This crash in cafeteria economics is akin to that of the Great Depression. Lines go all the way down a flight of stairs for people to get meager rations of noodles. “These are hard times,” said Mack Earl ‘17, “I’m so malnourished from eating nothing but spaghetti and overly sweet marinara sauce. The slightly soggy vegetables help a bit. If I keep going with just carbs I’ll starve.”
Though at first glance an exponential growth might seem like a blessing for those weirdly skinny people who have no muscle and only eat pasta (and ice cream cones at lunch), influx of consumers has drastically hurt their way of life. Due to overproduction, the mark value of pasta has faced inflation, making it virtually worthless. That coupled with the excruciatingly long wait for their one familiar food source has made it impossible for those who regularly eat pasta out of convenience to get a meal.
“It seems that no matter what we serve, we’re always pissing someone off,” said Mandy Lin, staff member at Commons, “whether it’s vegans getting mad about cheese getting dumped on an otherwise fine dish or making pizza in the shape of a square, people are going to complain. The one time we make something that everyone can eat, the whole dining hall goes to shit. I’m considering resigning.”
As a result of dire circumstances such as these, students have started clubs with the sole purpose of using Abbot Grants to buy Domino’s pizza.