Mark your calendars and put off your homework assignments, Andover! The Gorilla has an exclusive scoop on when the fabled Head of School Day will be this year. It’s tomorrow. Don’t believe us? Wait until you hear about the interview we had with local freshman Kaitlin (Kay) Oss ‘20 earlier today.

It all started this morning, when an email came through to the Gorilla’s press room at approximately 6:48 AM as the Gorilla Staff awoke from their sound 9.5 hours of sleep for the weekly morning meeting. The email was cryptic, only stating, “hey – I totally know when head of school day is. It’s tomorrow.” We weren’t sure how to respond. While some Staff members felt the need to swiftly address such a confident claim, others mentioned the common trend that whenever someone says that head of school day is tomorrow, it never actually is. Eventually, the editorial board decided to send a lackey to interview Kaitlin Oss and her probably factual claim.

This interview proved that Kaitlin certainly wasn’t swayed by any “alternative facts.” This fact was, in fact, quite factual. When we met with Oss, she greeted us by saying, “Guys, did you see Palfrey’s twitter? He’s playing squash. He never plays squash. Must mean head of school day.” We almost abandoned this ignorant piece of freshmeat right then and there due to her misguided insolence and misinformation about the one-and-only John Palfrey, until she offered evidence and logic so airtight we had no choice but to report on it immediately. Oss sat us down for the incredible story, and narrated:

“Ok, so, my prefect, she’s in Palfrey’s History-300 section, right? And, so, she was talking about having, like, 51 pages of reading due tomorrow. This didn’t add up – usually she just has, I don’t know, maybe 50 pages to skim and pretend to annotate! So I drew the only possible conclusion – Palfrey knew that 51 whole pages of history would be way too much compared to the usual 50, so – and hear me out fam ‘cause this is good, really guys, like I mean it, you’re not gonna believe this, but – head of school day HAS to be tomorrow! How else would he expect his class to finish that extra one page of reading?”

After literally falling out of our seats listening to this absolutely incredible tale, it became abundantly clear. Head of school day is tomorrow. This clue is probably the best piece of evidence anyone has ever had in the history of head of school days, and everyone knows that if there’s any evidence at all of head of school day, it always predicts correctly – just like every time Palfrey’s squash bag is spotted on a Commons shelf. “I’m so excited to see Mr. Palfrey waltz through commons with the squash racket held high!” Oss continued, “I’ve never seen it before ‘cause I’ve never experienced a head of school day before, but since I know so well who Mr. Palfrey is and what head of school day is like, I can look forward to it being tomorrow!”

Be sure to celebrate responsibly tomorrow. We all know that a day off is #thegiftoftime, so be sure to procrastinate efficiently and sleep no less than your usual 10 hours tomorrow.