By Aidan Driscoll ’17
On Wednesday, tour guide Boris “Bors” Wajee ‘18 was giving a tour to suburban developer, part-time seal breeder, and esteemed alumnus Commie S Pie, his wife Rebecca “Reb” L. Scum, and their eighth grade daughter Fash Est Scum-Pie when, as they passed the untrimmed bush besides the Bicentennial Penis Statue, Pie complimented Wajee on wearing a “nice pair of slacks.”
“I was simply elated by the compliment,” exclaimed Wajee in an interview with The Gorilla. “I have long been into critiquing, wearing, and designing slacks. I began slacking my freshman fall, and just never stopped.”
Wajee lamented that slacking is an art form often unappreciated by colleges and alumni. “Slacking is largely perceived as a bland and uninteresting practice, but it’s truly a beautiful art. It takes unparalleled commitment, vision, and bravery. Andover’s best slackers are creative geniuses, who wear slacks of the most vivacious shades of brown and khaki. But let’s be honest, everyone’s a slacker at heart.”
Pie commented, “It seems the pleats have only gotten sharper, and and the shades of pant superbly blander. When I was at Andover, the student body contained many more slackers. I would spend hours upon hours slacking with my fellow dorm mates. We’d often spend hours on end staring at each others slacks, grabbing and playing with each others slacks, and cleaning our slacks after a hour or two of heated slacking.” Pie was impressed to see the slacking community still alive, as was his daughter Scum-Pie, who is an aspiring slacker herself.
“Seeing such an esteemed slacker at Andover has really attracted me to the school,” shared Scum-Pie. “I really hope to get accepted to Andover so that I can spend a lot of my time slacking. Currently my workload at home has been a bit heavy, about half an hour of homework each night in addition to procrastinating on my Andover application, but I look forward to getting back to slacking towards the end of the year.”
Interestingly, The Gorilla’s analytics team has found that the slacking community fluctuates in perfect tangent with the rise and fall of Head of School Day rumors each year. Though we currently do not understand this phenomenon, many speculate it could be due to Mr. Palfrey’s own collection of fine slacks.