By Leo Brother and Max Vale ’18.

So the gift of time has come back to bite you in the butt. Just when you thought you were in the clear, when you emptied the tank and dragged yourself across the finish line, you found yourself with 5 weeks left. And these aren’t any ordinary weeks. These weeks are the most antagonizing, draining, and traumatic parts of an incredible academic experience for which most kids would kill, so yeah, keep complaining about it. Anyways, here are 10 ways to deal with your first world problems.

1. Chase the elusive 7

Someone wise enough to write anonymous quotes for a living once said, “Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the stars”. Based on that logic, The Gorilla advises you to aim for a rare, yet technically possible, 7.0 GPA. Because most departments consider a 6 to be 94-100%, anything above 100 is a 7, right? So get that extra credit, worst case scenario you bump that 2 up to a 3.

2. Fine tune your diet

Commons has tons of options for students who want to enhance their performance, but you, being the fat slob you are, probably went straight for the unhealthy options like chocolate milk and bagels. How dare you! Eating nutrient rich foods like quinoa, fish, and Merriam-Webster’s New Pocket Dictionary will give you the boost you need to crank through these next few weeks.

3. Sacrifice the first draft of your history paper to the demons that live in Pearson

Just open the door, throw it in, and run. You’ll know when They’ve received it.

4. Cheat on the SOTA

Everyone knows that you can’t sleep for an average of 10 hours per night and have a 6.0 GPA, but it’s funny to think about. Leave those responses on the SOTA and you and your peers will have a nice, hearty chuckle when you see it on there. But also, remember that it’s not anonymous. They’re watching you. Consider yourself warned.

5. Discover a new Study Space

Chances are, you do your work in some loud space where you can talk to friends whenever you don’t feel like doing that 50 page reading. We recommend trying a new place to do your work; someplace quiet and isolated like the sanctuary or tucked underneath the hedge surrounding the penis statue.

6. Get to know your teachers

When actual effort seems too difficult, it’s a good idea to get on your teachers’ good side. We’re not saying you should bribe your teachers (but hypothetically if we were, that would totally work), but it’s not a bad idea to get to know them a little better while giving them a favorable opinion of you. So meet them in Commons, get some coffee (or cash, whatever floats your boat), and boost those grades! Side note, you’ve got nothing to lose. Tell that teaching fellow how you really feel about them.

7. Wake up earlier

Sleep is for the weak! But seriously, giving yourself some extra time in the morning to pick out a nice outfit, get breakfast, and have a long cry in the shower is a great way to encourage positive habits for the rest of the day. Catch that sunrise, Andover! (Sunrise tomorrow is at 5:39 a.m. and will only get earlier)

8. Choose whether you want to engage with or serve the community

The second half of spring term is a great time to give back all the sleepless nights and mental breakdowns that the academy has given you. There is no feeling more rewarding than the satisfaction you’ll get from helping those around you, and being able to use it as an excuse not to do schoolwork.

9. Buy all of the food rations and lamp oil you can access

Supplies are running low. Only the strong will survive, so take as much as you can carry and run. Don’t let them catch you.

10. Try Something New

The spring term is the perfect time to try new things! Freshmen, what else are you doing with your time this spring? Why not use all of the time that would be going towards absolutely nothing and write for the Gorilla? Lowers, you might as well try something new before Upper Year starts. Why not write for the Gorilla? Uppers, you all have enough on your plate right now. But hey, you can try some new things to distract yourself from the horrors that are Upper Year (I hear that writing for the Gorilla is a great distraction). Seniors, you’ve all earned a break. But, if you want to live out your senior spring to its fullest potential, why not try something new, like writing for the Gorilla?

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