By Zach Abruzzese ‘19


In a beautiful display of defiance against careless den-goers, a local, forgotten Commons Plate has learned to grow wings. Though the cause of this evolution is unknown, most speculate that it is because no one was going spend literally one minute to take it to the conveyor belt upstairs.


Sources report that the plate began to fly around the Den at 7:49pm, shocking most of the present den-goers.  According to freshman Vee G. Anism ’20, the plate “just grew a pair of teriyaki chicken wings and skrrted out of there”. He continued, “It was covered in day-old barbeque sauce and half a veggie burger with some crispy, stale fries. It was so beautiful to see it learn to fly.” Anism then sprinted out of the Den after realizing realizing that he had 4 minutes to return to his Abbot dorm for sign-in.


However, before returning to its natural habitat upstairs, the forgotten Commons Plate then assumed the role as a vigilante and began to attack rule-breaking students on campus.


Upon closer examination of the scene, a Gorilla representative found that lower Smoak E. D. Abear had been the Commons plate’s first victim. Through her barbeque sauce covered hair and a few tears, she told the representative that she “was simply minding [her] own business and buying a cookie for [her] friend when the plate came over and just dumped everything on [her]”. Abear, it was later discovered, had at least five stolen granola bars on her person.


Reports have come in from across campus of said Commons plate’s activities. It disrupted a hookup in which the two participants were not constantly giving each other verbal consent by calling Sykes and telling them that these two participants were using an ineffective method of contraception and disease prevention. It was also seen beating every Abbot student who jaywalked across Main St. and Wheeler.


In other unrelated news, approximately 3/5 of the school now has unexplained bruises everywhere on their bodies.