Written by Ann Swer ‘18

Over the past few days, many of Andover’s trustees have returned to their beloved campus. They shared memories of their time here and donated large sums of money to the academy. But, this place fucking sucks. So, my question is, why the fuck would anyone want to donate to this shithole?

I mean, come on! All of these people went through the soul-draining process of getting into prestigious universities and networking with classmates in order to get millions of dollars, only to donate it all to this place? These people obviously don’t remember the frequent crying sessions and hours spent sitting alone in Lower Left. That happens to everyone here, right?

I can’t believe that after escaping Andover and going to colleges and jobs that are vastly easier than this dump, these people decide to spend a weekend here and donate enough money to pay for future students’ tuition at this hellhole. What amazing thing did these alumni get out of Andover to want to give back? It had to have been the fucking Holy Grail, because Lord knows that’s the only thing that would get anyone to donate to this garbage fire of a school. I’m already an Upper and all I’ve gotten is a lack of empathy and an unbalanced lifestyle. These people are probably just nostalgic for a time when Commons had bagels everyday.

If I ever become a millionaire, I’m not giving one cent to this shithole. I probably won’t even become one, though, because this place’s prestigious and advanced classes have totalled my GPA. Now I’ll never get into Harvard, and then I’ll get a bad job and an ugly family before moving to Florida and dying of organ failure. Thanks a lot, Andover!

 

By Sebastian Bishop ‘17

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