By Reeve Sobol ‘19

 

After spending a good 10 minutes promoting his new MySpace page, Head of School John Palfrey turned his captivating keynote presentation to a slide containing a dense, 8pt font comprehensive guide on how to take an empathetic and balanced nude. Students’ jaws dropped to the floor as they realized one by one that their Head of School, a married father of two, had revolutionized the way in which jocks temporarily disgust everyone on their Snapchat friends list.

 

“I mean I’m not saying I’ve sent nudes before,” commented Richard P. Ick ‘18, “but Palf might be onto something. When I send nudes I—I mean, theoretically, like this is from what I’ve heard or whatever,— but I usually just send a few out at around 2 or 3 am to see if anyone’s still up and wants to cruise. It might not be the worst idea to take a couple at conference, so as not to exclude people who are normally asleep when I send them.”

 

Palfrey’s guide not only addressed the timing of nudes to make them more empathetic and balanced, it also included step-by-step instructions in proper nude technique. He heavily emphasized the importance of consent, recommending that senders ask permission before doing it anyways. He then proclaimed, “Nudes without lighting are weak, and lighting without nudes is a boring senior spring elective”.

 

Palfrey went on to state that both sending and asking for unbalanced and apathetic nudes is a felony, but pretty much everyone is doing it anyways. For students who weren’t persuaded by the new method, he recommended using the makerspace to print 3d models of whatever it is that they wanted to share, or simply spending time with the intended recipients face-to-face ;).  He then dismissed the meeting via PowerPoint slide so he could get home quicker in order to get in his empathetic 27 hours of sleep for that night.
Be sure to look for a follow-up on this story, which is expected to be on the front page of this Sunday’s New York Times.

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