By Max Vale ‘18

Andover students, past and present, know of the dangers of crossing Main Street to get to campus. It’s a carefully planned ritual that must be executed with precision, down to the very last detail. Though nearly all students recall receiving emails from faculty telling them to “get a 6 in crossing the street” (i.e using the rapid flashers, waving to cars, and taking out headphones/earbuds), local upper Carter Knowles has reportedly received a 4 in crossing the street, showing that he is only above average in this task. It is also worth noting that because his grade was above a 3, Knowles did not receive any midterm comments on how he could improve his street-crossing ability before final grades are released.

Janet Freeman ‘20 witnessed the event while going home with her parents. She recounted said event in an email sent to The Gorilla. “I couldn’t believe my eyes. [Knowles] didn’t do anything that we were instructed to do. He didn’t use the rapid flashers, didn’t wave at cars letting him cross, and kept his earbuds in while staring at his phone the whole time. It was awful. I almost spat out my Wild Sweet Orange tea after seeing what he’d done.”

Though Knowles made it across the street fine, many students and faculty believe his actions are irredeemable. New lower Shawn Grixley said, “From day one, we’re taught to exercise caution when crossing the street, especially at the Vista crosswalk. How could someone who goes to the best high school in the country be so awful at crossing the street?”

“He’s never gonna get into a good college with that kind of attitude,” Claire Johnson ‘17 lamented. “Colleges want to see that steady upward trend in all aspects of a student’s life, especially in crossing the street. A 4 this late in his Andover career is definitely going to ruin his chances at getting into Bunker Hill.” Johnson then returned to lawning with her friends in the warmish early May sun and laughed at Uppers as they walked by on the paths crying and holding lukewarm cups of commons coffee.

In other news, only 61% of students report feeling dead inside this spring, a 19% decrease from last year.