By Leo Brother ‘18

For those of you who are returning to Andover, welcome back, and to those of you who are new, let us at The Gorilla be the 23rd ones to say welcome. There are a lot of things you need to know about Andover, and we’re certain that you’ve heard all of the essential advice: always wear your Blue Card on a lanyard, establish dominance by cutting the stir-fry line, et cetera. But, the most important thing about Andover is something that no one will tell you in any orientation session, Q&A, or name game, and that is how vital hookup culture is to the PA social scene.

For all you gynosexuals out there (that’s people who are sexually attracted to women if you’re not up to date on your Empathy and Balance Terminology), the best thing you can do for your reputation is to pick up a really cute chick early on in the year. To help you do this, we’re proud to present The Gorilla’s Comprehensive Guide to Picking up Chicks

  1. Befriend a senior who is currently enrolled in the Animal Behavior biology elective.
  2. Ask if you can hold their chick. All of these seniors have been given a newly hatched baby chicken so that they can care for the chick and have it “imprint” on them. If the senior is friendly, they will let you hold their chick. If they don’t, return to step one.

That’s all there is to it. Yeah, it’s really that simple! Follow our simple two-step program and before you know it, you’ll be picking up chicks left and right. Be careful though, because if you pick up the wrong chick, it will hang over you for the rest of your Andover career. If your chosen chick doesn’t want to be picked up, just try sending a text that says “wanna leave?” This will work at least 75% of the time.