By Jeffrey Kao ‘19
The Andover community is stunned to hear today that Homestyle has seceded from the rest of the Commons stations and formed their own sovereign entity. Following a privately conducted referendum held on Saturday, the staff of Homestyle announced that they made the momentous decision to break away from the rest of Commons, citing an “independent culture” and “taxation without representation”.
Homestyle has since made its own Twitter account and posted an official statement concerning the secession: “Homestyle is a food station with an independent culture and has been in Grilleworks’ shadow for too long. Institutionalized oppression ends now!” It is believed that Homestyle had demanded on multiple occasions that Commons grants them the right to serve whatever they wanted, but their requests had been repeatedly denied. Discontent rose steadily throughout the year, and it is believed that the final straw was the implementation of chocolate milk on Grilleworks’ side in spite of constant begging for the big money item to be implemented elsewhere.
This secession comes as a pretty big shock to most members of the community. According to analysts, there may be unprecedented ramifications. It is predicted that all lines, from Stir-fry to the rivalling Grilleworks, will be approximately 1.78 times longer. Even worse, these lines could cause Andover’s yield to drop twofold; this may push the administration to take action. Sources close to the administration are saying that the Head of School’s Office is actively negotiating with Homestyle and will not hesitate to use military force if deemed necessary. Other sources suggest that the newly created Pasta Monday is meant to punish the entire community and to turn students and faculty against Homestyle.
Though Homestyle’s extremist decision to go rogue seemed rather Out of the Blue®️ to most community members, many regulars of Homestyle are saying that the unrest in the region is nothing new. For one, Homestyle began breaking the rules more and more and serving different food from Grilleworks. One Homestyle frequenter, Small R. Cups ‘20 commented, “It’s clear to us Homestylers that there has always been widespread jealousy and resentment of Grilleworks among the Homestyle staff. When Grilleworks, clearly the favored son of Commons, starts attracting larger lines at every single meal, what is Homestyle to do? Grilleworks is completely unaware of the privilege they have of being so close to us awesome freshmen and lowers. Homestyle was shackled down by Commons to forever be inferior, so I think it’s only logical that they broke away.”
Stay tuned for continued updates on this truly bizarre crisis.