11 Varsity Jackets the Athletic Stockroom Doesn’t Want You to Know About

At this point, it’s common knowledge that the stockroom will reluctantly make you just about any varsity jacket you ask for. If you don’t know what we mean, look around until you see a jacket for Drumline, SLAM or Outdoor Pursuits. Heck, we even consider speaking Greek to be a varsity sport! The increasing absurdity of the Academy’s standards for athletic excellence got us intrigued. After doing a little digging, we found all of the more subtle excuses you can have to flaunt your very own physical prowess. Here are the 11 varsity jackets the athletic stockroom doesn’t want you to know about.

 

  • Varsity Summer Gardening Work Duty
    • Most summer sports at Andover are restricted to the spring term, like baseball, but the real boys of summer are the day students who put in hours cleaning up beds around campus.
  • Varsity EBI
    • All sports require a certain degree of mental fortitude and toughness, but few athletes are at levels where they can be as woke as our EBI squad.
  • Varsity Cycling from Bertha Bailey to Campus
    • It’s a straight shot, but it’s uphill on a three-speed bike you probably stole. Helmets recommended but not required.
  • Varsity Commons Door Holding
    • No other sport demands so much stamina and timing. If Palfrey ever has to touch a door, the entire team does wind sprints.
  • Varsity ASM
    • The patch on the front is a silhouette of a freshman making noise in the upper balcony.
  • Varsity Admissions Door Holding
    • If you made Varsity Commons Door Holding, then this may be the sport for you another term. Best for athletes whose skillset is more focused on flattery.
  • Varsity Chess
    • We’re recruiting. That’s not a joke, we actually recruit chess players now.
  • Varsity Music Basics
    • The most demanding part of joining this team is developing the agility and coordination to cross Main street four times a day without getting hit by a car.
  • Varsity Fundraising
    • The team is constantly chasing the all-time school record of $400 million in one term. The two biggest meets of the year are the A/E Young Alumni Challenge and the Senior Gift.
  • Varsity Nordic
  • Varsity Satire
    • What do we have in common with Varsity Track? All you really need to do for a letter is show up.

 

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REPORT: Could We Eventually Learn to Understand Rowers’ Foreign Language?

COMMONS, 6:37 pm:
Having just finished looking at memes to “get an idea for my English paper”, local lower Notta S. Portte ‘20 looked longingly at the empty pizza platters and lack of beyond meat stir-fry. After conceding to the idea that she had to eat whole grain pasta and no dessert, Portte looked around upper right to find four people at a table that she may have talked to once or twice last year, and walked over.

“Η σημερινή πρακτική ήταν τόσο έντονη”, said one member of the table.

“Ναι, το ergo μου ήταν τόσο λίπος σήμερα” replied another.

Portte told a Gorilla representative sitting alone in the corner watching Kung Fu Panda that she “was so confused it was like a repeat of the first day of Math-210”. She continued, “Honestly, I was happy to hear the word ‘I’ because it meant they were speaking English.”

When asked if she had ever rowed before, Portte made the mistake of saying yes, and was then bombarded by questions such as “πόσο?” and “Αυτό δεν είναι τρομερό”.

After about 10 minutes of full immersion, Portte was able to begin to distinguish the things that the rowers were talking about. “I just got used to all seven different words they used. It was also pretty easy when the word ‘ergo’ came up at least 4 times per sentence. Eventually, they even acknowledged my presence at the table after I said something about my sport being time-consuming.

In other news, a coxswain was recently found bruised in a bush after reportedly claiming that their sport is one of the most physically demanding on campus.

 

 

Oh No! Senior Class Left Without Boat Cruise After Varsity Football Team “Burned the Boat”

By Max Vale ‘18

The Class of 2018 was surprised to find invitations to a seniors-only boat cruise in their mailboxes last Wednesday. Though it was announced under a week ago, the students felt like they were waiting for years. Everyone, from the artists to the athletes, were planning on attending. However, what was supposed to be a fun night for the senior class was an uneventful one, as there was no boat cruise. After classes on Tuesday, the senior class received an email today stating that the varsity football team had gone to Boston over the weekend and “burned the boat”.

How sad!

Sources confirmed that on Sunday evening, the entirety of the Andover Football team traveled down to Boston Harbor to light the boat that the senior class was supposed to have its cruise on ablaze. When asked about why they would do this, co-captain Tamir Anderson ‘18 said, “Up until now, the football team hasn’t had a phrase that we use. The field hockey team has “Don’t settle”, the girl’s soccer team has “Whatever it takes”, and football needed a phrase too. We decided on ‘Burn the Boats’, and we wanted to send a message to everyone by burning the boat for real. It’s ring season here in Andover, and we want everyone else to know that we’re not going down.”

New Upper and Receiver for Andover, Kyle Durham, said, “It was an honor to light the boat on fire alongside my teammates. It really set the tone for the rest of the season and made me feel at home. If you’re on the fence about coming here, I encourage you to #SayYesToAndover for experiences like mine!” When asked about how the teams’ actions might affect the senior class, Durham responded, “Yeah, I can understand why they might react negatively to this, seeing as how they need a break from college apps and the stress of senior year. But, it was our captains’ ideas anyway, and they’re both seniors. So, how bad could it really be?”

Fortunately, most of the Andover community does not like the actions that have been taken out by the team. Dean of Students, Charlotte Jenkins ‘88, P’20, has spoken out against the team’s actions. “I honestly can’t believe these kids would fucking do this. Like, what the actual fuck? I love football, I really do. I love going to the games with my family and watching my students absolutely destroy the other teams. And I understand that they wanted to bond the team, but burning a fucking boat? For real? Do they know how much this cost us, in both finances and PR? Their parents’ money can’t save them this time. I swear, if our rankings go down after this incident, I’m going to have their asses.”

Joshua Fitzpatrick ‘18, the other co-captain for the Andover football team, admitted that he and Anderson could have inspired the team some other way. “Yeah, I can see why the school would be mad at us for actually lighting the boat on fire. We definitely could have, and in retrospect should have, had a team bonding activity without committing arson. But, we’re trying to have an undefeated season, and you can’t do that without doing something big. Also, I don’t care who you are, you can’t say that lighting the boat on fire wasn’t ‘lit’.”

As of right now, it is unclear what disciplinary action, if any, will be taken upon the team. No matter what the administration decides to do, it’s abundantly clear that they could always rent out another boat and pay for the first boat’s damages with the school’s new 400 million dollar fundraising campaign.

Crisis Alert: Homestyle Secedes from Commons

 

By Jeffrey Kao ‘19

 

The Andover community is stunned to hear today that Homestyle has seceded from the rest of the Commons stations and formed their own sovereign entity. Following a privately conducted referendum held on Saturday, the staff of Homestyle announced that they made the momentous decision to break away from the rest of Commons, citing an “independent culture” and “taxation without representation”.

 

Homestyle has since made its own Twitter account and posted an official statement concerning the secession: “Homestyle is a food station with an independent culture and has been in Grilleworks’ shadow for too long. Institutionalized oppression ends now!” It is believed that Homestyle had demanded on multiple occasions that Commons grants them the right to serve whatever they wanted, but their requests had been repeatedly denied. Discontent rose steadily throughout the year, and it is believed that the final straw was the implementation of chocolate milk on Grilleworks’ side in spite of constant begging for the big money item to be implemented elsewhere.

 

This secession comes as a pretty big shock to most members of the community. According to analysts, there may be unprecedented ramifications. It is predicted that all lines, from Stir-fry to the rivalling Grilleworks, will be approximately 1.78 times longer. Even worse, these lines could cause Andover’s yield to drop twofold; this may push the administration to take action. Sources close to the administration are saying that the Head of School’s Office is actively negotiating with Homestyle and will not hesitate to use military force if deemed necessary. Other sources suggest that the newly created Pasta Monday is meant to punish the entire community and to turn students and faculty against Homestyle.

 

Though Homestyle’s extremist decision to go rogue seemed rather Out of the Blue®️ to most community members, many regulars of Homestyle are saying that the unrest in the region is nothing new. For one, Homestyle began breaking the rules more and more and serving different food from Grilleworks. One Homestyle frequenter, Small R. Cups ‘20 commented, “It’s clear to us Homestylers that there has always been widespread jealousy and resentment of Grilleworks among the Homestyle staff. When Grilleworks, clearly the favored son of Commons, starts attracting larger lines at every single meal, what is Homestyle to do? Grilleworks is completely unaware of the privilege they have of being so close to us awesome freshmen and lowers. Homestyle was shackled down by Commons to forever be inferior, so I think it’s only logical that they broke away.”

 

Stay tuned for continued updates on this truly bizarre crisis.

 

Palfrey Forces Students to Involuntarily Partake in Sleep Challenge by Shrinking Coffee Cups

By Leo Brother ‘18

Students are getting more sleep than ever this October after Commons moved from its standard coffee cups to a smaller, more environmentally conscious option. The change is being attributed to Head of School John Palfrey P’21, as part of his annual sleep challenge.

“Everything just sort of fell into place perfectly”, said Palfrey. “Our Commons Coffee Budget has doubled since the Knowledge and Goodness fundraising campaign, so we were already in a position to pay more for smaller cups. The sleep challenge came at just the right time.”

The cups, which now serve a more sustainable, more expensive, weaker coffee, have been met with mixed reviews by students. “I’m so tired all the time,” said Jim Shortz ‘19. “I’ve had to cut down to 22 clubs instead of my usual 29 so I have enough time to sleep. That means at best that I’ll have 18 or 19 board spots to choose from for my college app next year.” He continued speaking with the Gorilla about what this means for his future while clearly suffering through the worst caffeine withdrawal headache in human history. He added, “at least the cups have that cool 90’s stripe design thing.”

Even though most students are now getting as many as 6 hours of sleep per night, many have declined to record their time in bed. This is partially due to Palfrey’s deliberate ambiguity about the prize, as most students no longer have the free time to look up what a Yogibo is. But is mostly due to the impossibility of winning the challenge. It’s already a foregone conclusion that the grand prize will go to Postgraduate Jeffrey Cruit ‘18, who sustained a head injury during last week’s football game and has no intention of leaving his comically undersized dorm bed for the rest of the month while he recovers.

JV Fantasy Football Update

By The Gorilla’s JVNEPSACEBIPACEFL Insider Chip Monk

You might want to grab your phone and fix your team, as we at the Sports section of The Gorilla have received exclusive insight into this week’s JV Football lineups. The Gorilla can confirm that offensive tackle Plai N. G. Thyme WILL in fact play 7 snaps: just 2 short of the number of offensive plays run by the team. Also, we can confirm that quarterback Tim (Shooter) McGavin will not start, due to the lack of need for a passing game. The defense is expected to perform well and score 80% of the team’s points, due largely in part to being comprised entirely of varsity players. Said one such player,
“I think it’s a completely fair system. I mean, I’m only like 3 years older than any of those guys, max.” The player, who identified himself as Leon Onme ‘21, continued, “I’m just trying to have fun, and get recognized by the JV coaches, who then will tell the varsity coaches how well I played, who will then recognize my potential and give me some playing time”. Note: This is an abridged version of the quote, the actual quote exceeded the memory on our representative’s phone and is therefore gone forever (thank god).
Anyways, we hope you enjoyed this fantasy football update. Good luck to everyone participating in this week’s competition; there’s no need to remind you that the grand prize for picking the perfect lineup is a 6 hour extension on your next essay.
In other news, the JV football chain crew is on strike after a member was admonished for using a down marker to play air guitar after a touchdown.

Actually by Zach Abruzzese ‘19

Editorial

Today is not a day to satirize the Andover community. On the night of Tuesday, September 26, Phillips Academy lost a member of its senior class to suicide. Therefore, The Gorilla has decided that it is not appropriate to publish satire at this point in time. While satirical articles often prompt discussions about the faults in an institution that need to be addressed, we hope that these conversations are already happening in forums where the tragedy and sadness surrounding us all are in the forefront, rather than the background of what is being said. This is a time to reflect on our shortcomings as well as our triumphs as a community, and to make light of these shortcomings while ignoring the triumphs would be absolutely unacceptable. We hope that these next few days will allow people to come together and process what has happened, and we will move on as the Andover community figures out how to evolve after this irreparable tragedy. For the time being, our plan is to resume our regular schedule of publication, starting with a Wild Sweet Orange Quiz this Saturday morning, September 30. Our hearts are heavy as we mourn this loss with the rest of the Andover community, and we implore you all to grieve and mourn as you see fit. We will be here to make you smile whenever that feels right for you.

Tour Guide Holds Door for Prospective Student Family, Says “Ladies First” to Wealthy-Looking Father

In a horrid display of goodness without knowledge, local tour guide Max C. Padd ‘19 reportedly said “ladies first” to a wealthy-looking father on a tour with his prospective student. When the father turned toward Padd in confusion, Padd flusteredly announced, “Welcome to the mailroom! This is where nobody goes ever…”

“It was more embarrassing than the time when my friends found out I don’t like Wild Sweet Orange tea,” Padd said in an interview with The Gorilla. “I opened and held doors for this same family almost twenty times before this moment, and still shit the bed. I’ve been giving tours since lower year and I have NEVER messed up this badly.”

“I’m beyond furious,” lamented head tour guide Jo Lewiston ‘18. “He learned the importance of gender and using one’s correct PGPs last year in P.A.C.E. class, and still he does stuff like this. I can’t believe this.” Lewiston then had a small existential crisis after forgetting whether or not Padd preferred the pronoun “he”.
“There’s no way he’s going to get into Bunker Hill if he keeps that shit up,” she later added.

“I knew I was in trouble when the prospective student actually emailed me with her questions after the tour,” Padd said. “She asked some great questions that I was happy to answer, but at the end of the email, she asked me why I said ‘ladies first’ to her offensively wealthy father. There’s no way I can bounce back from this.”

At press time, Padd was seen talking with his parents about leaving Andover after reports surfaced stating he held the door for another family on a tour while, once again, saying “ladies first” to the prospective student’s obscenely wealthy-looking father.

Students Sitting Alone in Commons “Feeling Great”

By Noble Ohakam ‘18

In recent years, the number of students sitting by themselves in Commons has increased from 3 to 5. Now, you’re more likely than ever to find the corners of upper right inhabited by a social outcast lamenting their life choices over a glass of chocolate milk and a half-hearted attempt to enjoy the videos on their Facebook feed.

Surprisingly, many of these students enjoy their time alone in the public eye. In order to understand this conundrum, The Gorilla went to interview two students who have been Commons loner mainstays since their freshman fall. Pal Less ’18, one of the students in question, commented,“I find sitting by myself to be quite relaxing. When I’m cranking out a paper due next period, I get into a zone where I don’t even acknowledge the three empty seats around me. There’s a bunch of ways to distract yourself from how lonely you are and get through sitting alone during a meal”. When asked how he feels about the looks of guilt that inevitably follow accidental eye contact, Less confidently retorted, “It does happen, but I take comfort in the fact that they don’t know who I am”.

Rel Avent ‘19, another loner and a somewhat-adequate acquaintance of Less, spoke with The Gorilla about her efforts to maximize solo-sitting. “Step Number 1 is to go to Commons 15 minutes before they close. I’m talking about Breakfast at 9, Dinner at 6:45, when the majority of the student body isn’t there”, Vent lectured. “That helps you transition to Step 2, having different places to sit. My go-to is to sit in Lower Right for Breakfast because most people don’t go there. For Lunch, I prefer Lower Left, the safe haven for people like me that are too afraid to sit alone in Lower Right. For Dinner, if I feel courageous, I go to a corner table”. Throughout this triumphant monologue, Vent spoke with a distinct air of calm and contemplation.

“Step 3 is to bring homework and do it as you eat. I usually do my reading there because an upright book is an effective barrier between me and the hundreds of eyes that maybe judging me ruthlessly”. Vent hopes that this publicity can give a voice to the voiceless at PA and help to start a dialogue about such a relevant, prevalent issue. Our reporter assumes this is what she said, but he had walked away before eye contact could be made, claiming, “if I started talking to her, then I would have to sit down and then it would be just the two of us while my friends sat across the room. I didn’t want it to be all weird”.

“How Dare They Force Me to Attend Class?” Outraged Students Respond to New Absence Policy

The Andover Community was shocked to learn that the school’s absence policy had been changed for the 2017-2018 school year, now only allowing students to miss two class periods before disciplinary action is taken. This decision came after the administration decided that four allotted absences per term was too many and students need to attend classes more. But that begs the question, what right does the administration have to force students to attend their classes?

 

Jerome Harold ‘20 is one student who has strong feelings about the new school policy. “I came to Andover to have more freedom and prepare me for life outside of high school,” he said in an interview with The Gorilla. “But I guess I was wrong. This school doesn’t let you be free. It still makes you go to class and learn, rather than give you the freedom to decide if that’s what you want to do. It’s such bullshit.”

 

Grace Davidson ‘19 also shared her views on the change. “This is an outrage! How dare they force me to attend class?” she said. “My family pays over forty thousand dollars a year to send me to this amazing institution where I can learn more than ever before and grow and develop as a person. With that kind of money comes a certain kind of privilege, the kind that allows me to pick and choose which classes I attend per day. I can’t believe this school would take that away from me.”

 

Even some faculty have expressed their outrage at the new policy change. In an interview with The Gorilla, Math instructor Jane Andrews stated, “I liked being able to cut my own classes and email my students saying that I wasn’t going to be there. Do you know how hard it is being a teacher at Andover? Students need extra help in case they don’t understand the material. I have tests and quizzes to grade. I have a dorm I need to take care of, and my two children are only in elementary school and aren’t old enough to take care of themselves”. While checking to see what the Blue Book said about teachers using the sleep room, she continued, “Sometimes I need to cut class so I can focus on myself and, in turn, make me a better teacher. But I can’t do that anymore with this new absence policy. Such bullshit.” Ms. Andrews then returned to grading tests and sipping a nice mug of Wild Sweet Orange tea while muttering “Should’ve taught at Choate” under her breath.

 

In other news, some day students are actually using their day student lockers, citing the ability to drop off unneeded items and make their backpacks lighter during the day. Further investigations have revealed that most day students refer to these lockers as “cars”.