Edgy Poetic Masterpiece Found Engraved in Bulfinch Desk

By Sebastian Bishop ’17

Students at a local English 200 class reported finding what can only be referred to as “the best thing since getting a gold star if you read this far” hiding inside their classroom. And no, it’s not the collection of Shakespeare’s greatest works on one of the bookshelves. It’s a cryptic and deep poem etched into a desk next to a penis drawing and BA ’17 (initials we can only assume belong to Bob Agorilla). The poem reads:

 

The windows are open in here.

A warm spring breeze flows through the rooms-

And yet I’ve never felt so cold.

 

I came here in search of freedom and knowledge-

But this safe haven has turned into my prison.

Alone in my cell-

My happiness and state of mind locked out-

Let them go, they deserve better than this.

 

They promised me freedom-

But how can I be free if I’ve been taught

To accept that life is pain?

 

I am dead inside.

 

Wow! They were right by calling this “the best thing since getting a gold star if you read this far”! This poem is filled with rich metaphors and tone. Scholars are baffled at the possible things the prison can represent. Is it America? Academic institutions? A large, and at times overwhelming, liberal bias? I guess we’ll never know. The prose this student uses goes above and beyond what is expected at such a young age. So much in fact, that it’s understandable why this student vandalized this desk instead of paying attention in class. Not even a department filled with PhDs can properly cultivate this young mind. This poem belongs with other treasures found on desks, such as the phrase “GET NEKKED” and that heart with the crossed out initials.

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The Gorilla’s 10 Crucial Tips For Finishing Out The Year

By Leo Brother and Max Vale ’18.

So the gift of time has come back to bite you in the butt. Just when you thought you were in the clear, when you emptied the tank and dragged yourself across the finish line, you found yourself with 5 weeks left. And these aren’t any ordinary weeks. These weeks are the most antagonizing, draining, and traumatic parts of an incredible academic experience for which most kids would kill, so yeah, keep complaining about it. Anyways, here are 10 ways to deal with your first world problems.

1. Chase the elusive 7

Someone wise enough to write anonymous quotes for a living once said, “Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the stars”. Based on that logic, The Gorilla advises you to aim for a rare, yet technically possible, 7.0 GPA. Because most departments consider a 6 to be 94-100%, anything above 100 is a 7, right? So get that extra credit, worst case scenario you bump that 2 up to a 3.

2. Fine tune your diet

Commons has tons of options for students who want to enhance their performance, but you, being the fat slob you are, probably went straight for the unhealthy options like chocolate milk and bagels. How dare you! Eating nutrient rich foods like quinoa, fish, and Merriam-Webster’s New Pocket Dictionary will give you the boost you need to crank through these next few weeks.

3. Sacrifice the first draft of your history paper to the demons that live in Pearson

Just open the door, throw it in, and run. You’ll know when They’ve received it.

4. Cheat on the SOTA

Everyone knows that you can’t sleep for an average of 10 hours per night and have a 6.0 GPA, but it’s funny to think about. Leave those responses on the SOTA and you and your peers will have a nice, hearty chuckle when you see it on there. But also, remember that it’s not anonymous. They’re watching you. Consider yourself warned.

5. Discover a new Study Space

Chances are, you do your work in some loud space where you can talk to friends whenever you don’t feel like doing that 50 page reading. We recommend trying a new place to do your work; someplace quiet and isolated like the sanctuary or tucked underneath the hedge surrounding the penis statue.

6. Get to know your teachers

When actual effort seems too difficult, it’s a good idea to get on your teachers’ good side. We’re not saying you should bribe your teachers (but hypothetically if we were, that would totally work), but it’s not a bad idea to get to know them a little better while giving them a favorable opinion of you. So meet them in Commons, get some coffee (or cash, whatever floats your boat), and boost those grades! Side note, you’ve got nothing to lose. Tell that teaching fellow how you really feel about them.

7. Wake up earlier

Sleep is for the weak! But seriously, giving yourself some extra time in the morning to pick out a nice outfit, get breakfast, and have a long cry in the shower is a great way to encourage positive habits for the rest of the day. Catch that sunrise, Andover! (Sunrise tomorrow is at 5:39 a.m. and will only get earlier)

8. Choose whether you want to engage with or serve the community

The second half of spring term is a great time to give back all the sleepless nights and mental breakdowns that the academy has given you. There is no feeling more rewarding than the satisfaction you’ll get from helping those around you, and being able to use it as an excuse not to do schoolwork.

9. Buy all of the food rations and lamp oil you can access

Supplies are running low. Only the strong will survive, so take as much as you can carry and run. Don’t let them catch you.

10. Try Something New

The spring term is the perfect time to try new things! Freshmen, what else are you doing with your time this spring? Why not use all of the time that would be going towards absolutely nothing and write for the Gorilla? Lowers, you might as well try something new before Upper Year starts. Why not write for the Gorilla? Uppers, you all have enough on your plate right now. But hey, you can try some new things to distract yourself from the horrors that are Upper Year (I hear that writing for the Gorilla is a great distraction). Seniors, you’ve all earned a break. But, if you want to live out your senior spring to its fullest potential, why not try something new, like writing for the Gorilla?

CompSci 500 Students Hack Housing Lottery Survey

By James Collett ’20

This year marks the first housing lottery in which students were asked to request their dorms for next year via an online survey. This came as a shock to most upperclassmen, many of whom were accustomed to drawing numbers out of a hat. According to that one techmaster that you know through a mutual acquaintance, the survey was created with high levels of security, thereby preventing students from hacking into it and letting them pick their dorms themselves. However, certain CompSci 500 students proved that one techmaster wrong by hacking the survey, changing their lottery numbers to one through seven, and placing themselves in Foxcroft singles.

A Gorilla representative overheard students at the CompSci language table discussing their successful attempt to hack the boarding survey and change their lottery numbers. They were still slightly nervous that all of them being placed into Foxcroft singles would be suspicious. The representative, who wishes to remain anonymous (due to the fact that they’re a massive snitch), was able to separate a CompSci student from his pack and coerce him into speaking to The Gorilla on the record. He agreed to speak only under his online alias, Winston Dows the 8th.  “Yeah, we hacked the survey,” Win Dows exclaimed. “So what? People do it all the time. I heard about some kid a few years back who hacked into his grade book and changed half of his grades to 6s. What we did honestly isn’t that bad.”

When asked about the possibility of him and his peers being asked to leave Andover after committing such actions,  Dows responded, “What would you do to live in a dorm that was so close to your classes that you could leave at 7:56 every morning and still make it on time to first period?”. The Gorilla representative then ran to their Rel-Phil class to address the extreme moral crossroads laying in front of them.

The same group was later seen beginning their next project; controlling what commons serves each meal. If successful, expect to see an increased amount of coffee, chocolate milk, pizza, and Wild Sweet Orange tea packets.

Surprisingly Ambitious Jeb Bush Returns to Campus With Groundbreaking Club Proposal

By Zach Abruzzese ‘19

In a stunning display of confidence, Jeb Bush, class of umm… 70 something, was seen entering the student activities office in the Den. Bush, according to a Gorilla representative, was collecting the necessary forms to confirm his club–the Society for the Protection of the Few Remaining People on Campus Whoms’t’d’ve Thunk that the Den is Called Susie’s.

The SPFRPCWTDCS board consisted of Bush and freshman Loa W. Erleft ‘20. “I think this club is very important”, said Erleft. “I feel really bad when everyone laughs at me for saying that I’m going to get a Den cookie at Susie’s. I think that Mr. Bush and I will bond over such a prevalent issue.”

One Gorilla representative took a break from creating the rarest of pepes to attend the club’s first meeting. According to the report, they met in the lounge area in GW. Bush droned on about the sanctity of people who call the Den ‘Susie’s’, but was cut off by Erleft after only 15 minutes of his planned two-hour speech. Erleft intervened, saying, “We need to spend our club fund on a fleet of bodyguards, and also some sick apparel”.

In the race for president of SPFRPCWTDCS, even though Bush ran uncontested, he did not receive any of the three votes cast. Although it is still unclear how three votes were submitted, unconfirmed reports claim that Mr. Bush cast two ballots, writing in the name “Drew P. Weiner” on each of them.

Erleft, due to her excellent security suggestion, was promoted to president instead of the absent Mr. Weiner. Bush assumed his natural position as Erleft’s stammering lackey, but the club masthead officially lists him as “[Son and brother to the] former president”.

Bush was reportedly heard lurking around Pearson and stopping people to give them fatherly advice, imparting his wisdom on such subjects as smoking marijuana and living in the shadow of your father and brother. One witness claimed, “This voice just popped out of nowhere and was like, ‘You know, if you work hard and try hard, someday everyone else in your family will succeed. Please clap’”.

Overconfidence Failure: Rising Lower Who Put Only Bishop on His Housing Survey Placed in Carriage House

By Sam Katz ’19

Sources report that when Nidza N. Ürüm ‘20 filled out his housing survey, he confidently listed Bishop as his first and only choice. Eyewitnesses claim to remember him confidently proclaiming, “If it’s my only choice then The Academy has no choice but to place me there.” He promptly continued to roast his current dorm-mates on their “weak resolve” due to their inclusion of more than a singular dorm on their lottery forms. However to his utter surprise, when he opened his email two weeks later and found out about his new dorm arrangements in Carriage House, he was completely rattled.

Ürüm’s confusion with the lottery quite likely stems from the revamped housing system. Dan Cooke-Yee ‘19, a lotterying lower, expressed his concerns with the new changes to the lottery: “Why?” The lack of communication between The Academy and students has yet again led to a campus devoid of any empathy and balance.

Despite his L of a rooming situation, Ürüm remains confident in his ability to weasel out of Carriage House. In an email to The Gorilla, Ürüm wrote, “My allergist has diagnosed me with a fatal allergy to dust, so they have no choice but to put move me, right? I mean worst case scenario I might just have to settle for a dorm in Flagstaff.”

Oh my sweet summer child, you know nothing of winter yet.

Report: House Counselors Coincidentally Conduct “Random” Dorm Searches on Same Day

By Leo Brother ‘18

For absolutely no reason whatsoever, various house counselors conducted full scale dorm searches today, according to multiple sources. The house counselors insisted that the number of searches done today was completely coincidental, and none of them consulted with others in planning the sweeps. “I just figured that since it was getting further into spring term and some seniors were starting to slack off, we should check in and make sure that everyone’s staying productive,” house counselor Mr. Blaise Itt reported. “Mid April seemed too early, but early May seemed too late. I settled on the 20th because it was around the midterm.”

Most dorm searches were inconclusive, as rooms were conspicuously empty all day. Reports indicate that students flocked to the sanctuary, and day students spent an unusual amount of time in their cars. On a completely unrelated note, the Den sold out of Pringles, Twinkies, and just about everything else except for Raisin Bran. Commons staff attribute this spike in sales to a lack of breakfast options and definitely nothing else.

The Gorilla’s field reporters were able to find one student for comments. Local senior Hannah Biss ‘17 said, “Bruh, why are they called apartments if they’re so close together?” Biss then let out a long, wheezy laugh before stumbling back to her dorm room to watch Rick and Morty.

Adults on campus have seemed to express genuine regard for the kids. Mr. Itt, who is also an instructor in herbology, lamented, “These kids need to get off their high horses. I keep telling them, ‘listen, bud, if you don’t roll up to the challenge of spring term, colleges are going to weed you out’. Some of these kids might not even pass to the right school. If they want to keep growing, I need to be blunt with them, because it’s going to have to be a joint effort.”

The Gorilla’s Guide to Not Overenrolling

By Ethan Brown ’17

Wow! Despite multiple years in a row with a yield in the eighties, Andover’s #1 in the country ranking on niche.com, and a valiant effort from Team Shuman to attract as many students from as many quarters as possible, the entire Andover community was rattled by the fact that our enrollment yield this year was a whopping 86%. 86% of students admitted to Phillips Academy chose to attend, in spite of the lack of daily Perfecto’s bagels, and the likely extinction of the french toast ones. Andover now must buckle down and figure out how to deal with the reality that there will be more boarders on campus than beds, more mouths than slices of beyond meat casserole, more students than one-on-one empathy and balance counselors (courtesy of the Snyder Center), and not enough track singlets for the freshmen. Our field reporter has heard mumblings among faculty about the possibility of building a new dorm, housing students in the beds in Sykes, and even resurrecting Abbot Academy. A more controversial idea involved turning 158 Main Street into a 4-person dorm.

We here at The Gorilla wanted to be sure that overenrollment did not occur in the future, so our Staff gathered for 48 hours straight and deliberated to create a foolproof mechanism that would ensure that Team Shuman never has to worry about overenrolling ever again. After heated debate and Wild Sweet Orange-induced comas, we present to you:

TheGorillasGuideToNotOverenrolling

Student Sanctuaried for Meme Addiction by Roommate

By Lucy Grossbard ’19

Just this past Saturday, a student living in a recently discovered Abbot dorm was sanctuaried by her roommate for a severe meme addiction.

“It was all fun and games until I heard her muttering ‘not dank enough’ in her sleep. She became exceedingly aggravated after returning from classes. One time… I shouldn’t even say it… but she checked herself off on the PSAT box as ‘meme-lord,’” roommate Sand Halp ‘18 reported.

The student is now working hard to suppress her meme addiction. “She’s doing quite well, actually. There are some off the table topics, especially Joe Biden, Mr. Krabs, and YouTubers.”

At press-time, Halp entered the dorm and saw the student asleep in her bed with her fingers phantom-scrolling through memes. At one moment, she even started laughing in her sleep, yelling “that’s lit” and dabbing with her other arm.

Amazing: Weekender Fits All the Best Activities into the Same Timeslot

By Sebastian Bishop ’17

Wow! In an incredible feat of scheduling wizardry, the Student Activities Office somehow managed to make all the best activities this weekend happen at 6pm on Saturday! While the past couple weekends have been filled with yoga classes, freeskate, dragon rides, and freshmeat dances, this Weekender is so full of stuff that there’s no “Looking Forward” section.

That’s right everyone, you can go to both Casino Night AND Live Band Karaoke Night at the same time! Now you won’t be thinking, “Man, I’m really excited for a chance to dress up and watch people pretend to gamble. You know what would really make this weekend perfect though? If I could hear some people from the den singing my favorite songs too!”

Other great events happening at the same time include Battle of the Bands, your friend’s CAMD presentation, some other excuse to dress up and take profile pictures, therapy dogs, and a presentation in Kemper Auditorium by Jeb Bush.

In other news, sources report an astounding total of two students went to today’s advising period.