CompSci 500 Students Hack Housing Lottery Survey

By James Collett ’20

This year marks the first housing lottery in which students were asked to request their dorms for next year via an online survey. This came as a shock to most upperclassmen, many of whom were accustomed to drawing numbers out of a hat. According to that one techmaster that you know through a mutual acquaintance, the survey was created with high levels of security, thereby preventing students from hacking into it and letting them pick their dorms themselves. However, certain CompSci 500 students proved that one techmaster wrong by hacking the survey, changing their lottery numbers to one through seven, and placing themselves in Foxcroft singles.

A Gorilla representative overheard students at the CompSci language table discussing their successful attempt to hack the boarding survey and change their lottery numbers. They were still slightly nervous that all of them being placed into Foxcroft singles would be suspicious. The representative, who wishes to remain anonymous (due to the fact that they’re a massive snitch), was able to separate a CompSci student from his pack and coerce him into speaking to The Gorilla on the record. He agreed to speak only under his online alias, Winston Dows the 8th.  “Yeah, we hacked the survey,” Win Dows exclaimed. “So what? People do it all the time. I heard about some kid a few years back who hacked into his grade book and changed half of his grades to 6s. What we did honestly isn’t that bad.”

When asked about the possibility of him and his peers being asked to leave Andover after committing such actions,  Dows responded, “What would you do to live in a dorm that was so close to your classes that you could leave at 7:56 every morning and still make it on time to first period?”. The Gorilla representative then ran to their Rel-Phil class to address the extreme moral crossroads laying in front of them.

The same group was later seen beginning their next project; controlling what commons serves each meal. If successful, expect to see an increased amount of coffee, chocolate milk, pizza, and Wild Sweet Orange tea packets.

Surprisingly Ambitious Jeb Bush Returns to Campus With Groundbreaking Club Proposal

By Zach Abruzzese ‘19

In a stunning display of confidence, Jeb Bush, class of umm… 70 something, was seen entering the student activities office in the Den. Bush, according to a Gorilla representative, was collecting the necessary forms to confirm his club–the Society for the Protection of the Few Remaining People on Campus Whoms’t’d’ve Thunk that the Den is Called Susie’s.

The SPFRPCWTDCS board consisted of Bush and freshman Loa W. Erleft ‘20. “I think this club is very important”, said Erleft. “I feel really bad when everyone laughs at me for saying that I’m going to get a Den cookie at Susie’s. I think that Mr. Bush and I will bond over such a prevalent issue.”

One Gorilla representative took a break from creating the rarest of pepes to attend the club’s first meeting. According to the report, they met in the lounge area in GW. Bush droned on about the sanctity of people who call the Den ‘Susie’s’, but was cut off by Erleft after only 15 minutes of his planned two-hour speech. Erleft intervened, saying, “We need to spend our club fund on a fleet of bodyguards, and also some sick apparel”.

In the race for president of SPFRPCWTDCS, even though Bush ran uncontested, he did not receive any of the three votes cast. Although it is still unclear how three votes were submitted, unconfirmed reports claim that Mr. Bush cast two ballots, writing in the name “Drew P. Weiner” on each of them.

Erleft, due to her excellent security suggestion, was promoted to president instead of the absent Mr. Weiner. Bush assumed his natural position as Erleft’s stammering lackey, but the club masthead officially lists him as “[Son and brother to the] former president”.

Bush was reportedly heard lurking around Pearson and stopping people to give them fatherly advice, imparting his wisdom on such subjects as smoking marijuana and living in the shadow of your father and brother. One witness claimed, “This voice just popped out of nowhere and was like, ‘You know, if you work hard and try hard, someday everyone else in your family will succeed. Please clap’”.

Overconfidence Failure: Rising Lower Who Put Only Bishop on His Housing Survey Placed in Carriage House

By Sam Katz ’19

Sources report that when Nidza N. Ürüm ‘20 filled out his housing survey, he confidently listed Bishop as his first and only choice. Eyewitnesses claim to remember him confidently proclaiming, “If it’s my only choice then The Academy has no choice but to place me there.” He promptly continued to roast his current dorm-mates on their “weak resolve” due to their inclusion of more than a singular dorm on their lottery forms. However to his utter surprise, when he opened his email two weeks later and found out about his new dorm arrangements in Carriage House, he was completely rattled.

Ürüm’s confusion with the lottery quite likely stems from the revamped housing system. Dan Cooke-Yee ‘19, a lotterying lower, expressed his concerns with the new changes to the lottery: “Why?” The lack of communication between The Academy and students has yet again led to a campus devoid of any empathy and balance.

Despite his L of a rooming situation, Ürüm remains confident in his ability to weasel out of Carriage House. In an email to The Gorilla, Ürüm wrote, “My allergist has diagnosed me with a fatal allergy to dust, so they have no choice but to put move me, right? I mean worst case scenario I might just have to settle for a dorm in Flagstaff.”

Oh my sweet summer child, you know nothing of winter yet.

Report: House Counselors Coincidentally Conduct “Random” Dorm Searches on Same Day

By Leo Brother ‘18

For absolutely no reason whatsoever, various house counselors conducted full scale dorm searches today, according to multiple sources. The house counselors insisted that the number of searches done today was completely coincidental, and none of them consulted with others in planning the sweeps. “I just figured that since it was getting further into spring term and some seniors were starting to slack off, we should check in and make sure that everyone’s staying productive,” house counselor Mr. Blaise Itt reported. “Mid April seemed too early, but early May seemed too late. I settled on the 20th because it was around the midterm.”

Most dorm searches were inconclusive, as rooms were conspicuously empty all day. Reports indicate that students flocked to the sanctuary, and day students spent an unusual amount of time in their cars. On a completely unrelated note, the Den sold out of Pringles, Twinkies, and just about everything else except for Raisin Bran. Commons staff attribute this spike in sales to a lack of breakfast options and definitely nothing else.

The Gorilla’s field reporters were able to find one student for comments. Local senior Hannah Biss ‘17 said, “Bruh, why are they called apartments if they’re so close together?” Biss then let out a long, wheezy laugh before stumbling back to her dorm room to watch Rick and Morty.

Adults on campus have seemed to express genuine regard for the kids. Mr. Itt, who is also an instructor in herbology, lamented, “These kids need to get off their high horses. I keep telling them, ‘listen, bud, if you don’t roll up to the challenge of spring term, colleges are going to weed you out’. Some of these kids might not even pass to the right school. If they want to keep growing, I need to be blunt with them, because it’s going to have to be a joint effort.”

The Gorilla’s Guide to Not Overenrolling

By Ethan Brown ’17

Wow! Despite multiple years in a row with a yield in the eighties, Andover’s #1 in the country ranking on, and a valiant effort from Team Shuman to attract as many students from as many quarters as possible, the entire Andover community was rattled by the fact that our enrollment yield this year was a whopping 86%. 86% of students admitted to Phillips Academy chose to attend, in spite of the lack of daily Perfecto’s bagels, and the likely extinction of the french toast ones. Andover now must buckle down and figure out how to deal with the reality that there will be more boarders on campus than beds, more mouths than slices of beyond meat casserole, more students than one-on-one empathy and balance counselors (courtesy of the Snyder Center), and not enough track singlets for the freshmen. Our field reporter has heard mumblings among faculty about the possibility of building a new dorm, housing students in the beds in Sykes, and even resurrecting Abbot Academy. A more controversial idea involved turning 158 Main Street into a 4-person dorm.

We here at The Gorilla wanted to be sure that overenrollment did not occur in the future, so our Staff gathered for 48 hours straight and deliberated to create a foolproof mechanism that would ensure that Team Shuman never has to worry about overenrolling ever again. After heated debate and Wild Sweet Orange-induced comas, we present to you:


Student Sanctuaried for Meme Addiction by Roommate

By Lucy Grossbard ’19

Just this past Saturday, a student living in a recently discovered Abbot dorm was sanctuaried by her roommate for a severe meme addiction.

“It was all fun and games until I heard her muttering ‘not dank enough’ in her sleep. She became exceedingly aggravated after returning from classes. One time… I shouldn’t even say it… but she checked herself off on the PSAT box as ‘meme-lord,’” roommate Sand Halp ‘18 reported.

The student is now working hard to suppress her meme addiction. “She’s doing quite well, actually. There are some off the table topics, especially Joe Biden, Mr. Krabs, and YouTubers.”

At press-time, Halp entered the dorm and saw the student asleep in her bed with her fingers phantom-scrolling through memes. At one moment, she even started laughing in her sleep, yelling “that’s lit” and dabbing with her other arm.

Amazing: Weekender Fits All the Best Activities into the Same Timeslot

By Sebastian Bishop ’17

Wow! In an incredible feat of scheduling wizardry, the Student Activities Office somehow managed to make all the best activities this weekend happen at 6pm on Saturday! While the past couple weekends have been filled with yoga classes, freeskate, dragon rides, and freshmeat dances, this Weekender is so full of stuff that there’s no “Looking Forward” section.

That’s right everyone, you can go to both Casino Night AND Live Band Karaoke Night at the same time! Now you won’t be thinking, “Man, I’m really excited for a chance to dress up and watch people pretend to gamble. You know what would really make this weekend perfect though? If I could hear some people from the den singing my favorite songs too!”

Other great events happening at the same time include Battle of the Bands, your friend’s CAMD presentation, some other excuse to dress up and take profile pictures, therapy dogs, and a presentation in Kemper Auditorium by Jeb Bush.

In other news, sources report an astounding total of two students went to today’s advising period.

Report: Student Struggles Choosing Between Two Commons Plates Stuck Together And One With Water on It

By Alex Daccord ‘18

ANDOVER – Sources report that today was a rough day for local student Meltin Snowflake Manning ‘19. Manning tried to wake up at 5AM to finish his Spanish homework, but instead he just kept resetting his alarm clock five minutes ahead for the next hour, forgetting that money was the motivation.

Later in fifth period, Manning got absolutely beaned on his math test. Afterward, all he wanted was a burger that was 20 percent beef and 80 percent mushroom for which he would be so so grateful. Much to his demise, the last problem on the test made zero sense like it always does, and he was already ten minutes late to lunch. “The line was not only big and tall but also magnificent and strong,” Manning explained in an email to The Gorilla, insightfully using the big words he learned for his English-200 pop vocabulary quizzes.

Manning now had to wait on the stairs for ten minutes as the line slowly made its way up. Now the holy mushroom burgers lay three people ahead of him. Since the person before him took all of the last three patties on the plate and made off like a bandit, Manning had to wait a historically awkward 4 minutes at the front of the line.

Yet that was not the worst of it. Much to his dismay, only three commons plates remained at the front. Now with a fresh supply of burgers everyone is so grateful for, he reached for the plates, yet two were stuck together. It was then that he started sweating. He looked to the other plate, yet it was covered in water. The people behind them started to get restless. Now people started to jeer him, his Spanish teacher, who was about ten people behind him, absolutely roasted him. He tried a second time with all his might to pry open the wretched plates yet failed.

He then said fml and just got cereal.

In recounting the events, Meltin Snowflake Manning was distraught. “When you have that one day that absolutely sucks, all you want to do is go to commons and have a goddamn burger full of mushrooms, and I can’t even have that,” he vented.

He was later caught choking on cereal when he was almost done with a super bowl of cinnamon toast crunch. And also not having as many super bowl rings as Tom Brady #5-2.

Student Snatches Last Den Cookie at 4:15pm

By Zach Abruzzese ’19

In a mad rush, local lower Coo Keem Onster ‘19 was seen at 4:15pm dashing into the den and nabbing the final den cookie. Knocking freshmen to the floor, Onster ran through the den and skrrrrrrted through the shelf of things that no one actually looks at and is really just there for aesthetic appeal. After shakily recovering, Onster started over to the final cookie, but slammed right into post-graduate Triva R. City ‘17 and was knocked to the floor. Sources report that City heavily grunted about how much lighting homework he has.

Onster again hopped up, his cookie in sight. Stretching out his arm, he grasped the final, broken, kind of stale but not really that stale, crunchy, glorious den cookie. Time seemed to stand still as Onster held his prize over his head, and all 63 freshmen seated at one table in the corner looked up from their Kahoot game and stared in wonder.

“I was kinda pissed that I got my question wrong, but it was worth it to see Coo over there rumble, bumble, and stumble upon his den cookie” said Luk Sa Tmeems ‘20. The Gorilla was unable to report the rest of Tmeems’s testimony, partly because The Gorilla’s representative was too busy playing Kahoot.

A different representative from The Gorilla was able to catch Onster as he left the den, and asked him about what he thought about his incredible feat. “i found a path 🚀 to greatness 🏅 but the grind never quits 😤💪🏻 i will NEVER quit 💯🔥😈” he said. Confused about how Onster managed to express this in words, the representative walked back to Carriage House to create more dank memes.

In other news, upper Threete N. Paper was seen at 4:45pm grabbing a cookie from the stack of 20 fresh ones in the display.

Student Vows to Study Not 20, But 30 Minutes Before Exam

By Jacob Buehler ‘19

In an incredible display of academic excellence, local lower Orr E. Oh ’19 has decided to study for his upcoming first period math exam not twenty, but thirty minutes ahead of time. Andover students all the way from Morton House to the blocked Siberia pathway are applauding this legendary show of dedication.

“Yeah, usually, I chill the whole term and then cram the whole 900-page textbook at around 3:30 a.m. the night before while hating my life and wondering why I didn’t just study over the last 50-70 days of the term, but then my ten minute study break turned into a four hour study break and I fell asleep while looking at “whom’st” memes. Then I look over my notes in a Red-Bull-and-panic-fuelled-rage at 7:35 a.m. with twenty minutes until the test starts, and by the time I calm down and think I’ve become at least in passing shape for my test, I realize that I’ve actually been studying my freshman year History notes,” lamented Oh in an interview with The Gorilla.

Oh continued. “Last year, I learned that ‘What the […], bro? I thought we were studying the Renaissance, you snaked me fam and I’ll wreck that ass’ apparently isn’t an acceptable answer to ‘Find the limit of 1/x as x approaches 0.’ That’s usually about when I remember that I never had any math notes to begin with because I spent the whole term drawing abstract representations of the bicentennial statue by Pearson on my desk while Dr. Mr. Coach Mrs. N. Arc Heologist, PhD, taught us some useless […] about “rational functions”.”

Several of Oh’s peers chimed in to praise his prime example. Dr. Mr. Coach Mrs. N. Arc Heologist, PhD, was especially optimistic for Oh’s future.

“Whom’st’d’ve doth thoum’st be’d’st?” commented N. Arc Heologist.

When our Gorilla reporter explained Oh’s recent exploits to Dr. Mr. Coach Mrs. N. Arc Heologist, she replied, “Ohhh, that kid. Yeah, I’m pretty sure he emailed me on the second day of class saying that even though I was on the roster for my class, it was a mistake made by the scheduling system, so I shouldn’t give him any cuts since, according to him, he was actually attending a different class. I pretty much just trusted him, and I’ve never seen him since. Although every time after my first period class I notice that the back-right corner table has another johnson drawn on it.”

“I’m impressed, actually,” said freshmeat classmate Daanke Maymay ’20. “I haven’t studied for a test all year. I’m going to play the ‘improvement’ card on my college apps by getting straight sixes my upper spring.”

“Damn… I wish I were such an academic weapon,” agreed upper classmate Fai Ling Graid ’18. “I planned to play the ‘improvement’ card as an underclassman, so I didn’t study at all. Except then I forgot the ‘improvement’ part of the strategy.”

“Studying 30 minutes beforehand? HAH! I study AFTER my tests. Get on my level, boi,” said fellow lower Yee Yee ’19.

The Gorilla wishes the best of luck to Oh and Dr. Mr. Coach Mrs. N. Arc Heologist, PhD, on tomorrow’s exam.