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Update: Freshman Class Rep Fails to Deliver on Any Campaign Promises

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Pohl

Recall our article written just minutes ago, in which we lauded Tad Pohl’s redefinition of the class rep position. Pohl’s unprecedented ideas had won him the votes of nearly his entire class. Unfortunately, he has been pathetically unable to turn any of his talk into reality. Pohl campaigned on increasing communication, munches, class trips, and apparel. None of that has happened. Quantitatively, the amount of munches has decreased 15%, class trips 300%, and apparel sold by 38%. As for transparency of communication, Pohl does not attend class meetings and he is yet to address the class in person.

There have been many class reps who have performed this badly in the past, but what makes this situation especially disheartening is the expectation that Pohl would bring change. He brought hope to the students that there may finally be class reps following through on campaign promises. Coupled with his ingenious proposals for change, Pohl became the favorite of not just the class of 2023, but the whole school.

Everyone lost in this situation. Obviously, Pohl has, as he has lost all his friends at PA. The voters who were mislead into throwing their weight behind Pohl have also lost. More importantly, though, everyone who aspired to see change in the position of class rep has seen these hopes coldly dropped. The future of class reps looks bleak. Thanks to this fiasco, voters may forever be unwilling to trust any of their class rep candidates. Even if a candidate emerges, genuinely promising all that Pohl did, voters are unlikely to put their faith in him. It has been a depressing  year for Andover politics.

Class Rep Candidate Presents Revolutionary Platform

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Pohl

Tad Pohl ‘23 is running for Freshman class rep and he is changing what it may mean to hold this esteemed position. Pohl has suggested several totally original and innovative ideas, such as “transparent communication”, “more munches”, “cooler class trips”, and  “cool apparel”, as per his 100-word digital candidate introduction. Pohl also established another revolutionary idea that no previous class rep has even touched on: he stated that he would be honored to become the people’s representative and that “all of your ideas, are my ideas.”

While the majority of Pohl’s success stems from his revolutionary ideas, his relaxed demeanor has also played a significant role in generating this wave of support. Pohl started his candidate speech with a street-smart “Yo, what’s up class of 2023?” His speech was peppered with hip vocabulary such as, “aight”, “chill”, “yea”, and “dab!”. A voter from the class of ’23 praised him, saying, “It’s just so cool to be able to have a candidate who understands us. He’s a really chill person, but he also has some litty ideas, u feel me? I think nearly everyone in our grade finna vote for him.”

Presenting himself in this novel fashion and putting forth such radical ideas was no doubt a huge risk for Pohl, but it is paying off. Pundits put his probability of winning at 95.3%, the second highest probability ever assigned. Pohl has changed the class rep election game forever and is on track to leave a lasting legacy. He is transforming the position of class rep from a stepping stone to college to one where the student is truly a public servant for his class. We are sure he will have no problems in delivering his campaign promises.

The Gorilla State of Da Academy

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SODA

We all know and love The Phillipian’s State of The Academy, but every year they forget to include important statistics. Once again, The Gorilla has come to the rescue, collecting these statistics and assembling them into easy-to-view graphics. We hope you learn a lot from The PA Gorilla’s 2019 State of Da Academy.

Want to see more great content like this?

Staff Pick: Top 10 Best Places to Park in the Mornings

At the Gorilla, we know how hard it can be to find parking on campus. When it’s 7:55 and all the regular spots are full, you know you’re about to get your first of two cuts. So for your convenience, we’ve compiled a list of 10 sneaky parking locations on campus that are sure to always be free:

 

1. Fire lane in the circle
: they’re renovating the library anyway, who cares if it burns down with people in it
2. Lower Left: just make sure you’re super quiet
3. Snyder center exhibition squash court: 
it’s fine if the floors get scuffed, we’ve got 19 other squash courts
4. The armillary sphere
: make sure to zigzag and tear up the grass on your way over
5. Bulfinch teacher’s lounge: apparently they’ve got really nice cookies – pick some up on your way to class
6. Chapel basement: 
PAPS will never bother to check down there for secretly parked cars
7. GW bathroom: 
if your car fits, go ahead and use this location as a docking bay
8. Sanctuary
: classic
9. Cemetery: be sure to stir up some ghosts to follow you to class
10. John Palfrey’s driveway
: bonus points if you have a Prius just like his
, extra bonus points if he doesn’t notice all day

The Gorilla’s Short-List of New Clubs

Now that new-club-app season is upon us, we here at The Gorilla decided to take a look at some of the new clubs hoping to join the scene this fall.

 

Andover Student Union: Taking after organizations such as the Jewish Student Union, ASU hopes to offer a club inclusive to all Andover students. The founder, Brighton Early, said that “I really just wanted to make a club. I mean like, I didn’t have any great ideas and I needed something to show my College Counselor.” ASU hopes to be a place where students from all different Andover backgrounds can come together and discuss important topics, such as Wild Sweet Orange tea and that one essay they have to write tonight. When asked if they would join the club, lower Chadwick Chadwickerson said “Isn’t that literally just the library?”

 

T.U.B. 2: TUB2, bent on becoming Andover’s second premiere secret society, began organization for their club after their founder, known only as “Jown Pawlfrie” was exiled from T.U.B. Though the new society appears to merely be a copy of the original, Pawlfrie has expressed that “We’re going to do so many different things, like put a YELLOW bathtub in front of the library”.

 

Greek Club: Founded by freshman Bonnie Ann Clyde, the Greek Club hopes to thoroughly examine the works of Rick Riordan, focusing specifically on Percy Jackson. “They told me to do what I love, and I love P. J.!”, she said before scurrying off to the library to write some intense fan fiction.

 

Ivy Club: Only accepting future Ivy League attendees, the Ivy Club was founded by senior Ella Vader, who wanted to hang out with “Andover’s finest”. Needless to say, College Counseling has attempted to shut the club down, insisting that “no one can possibly get into an Ivy”.

 

The PA Gorilla: Apparently they make memes, write, and do video projects? Who knows?

 

ECPA: ECPA stands for Essex County Private Army and is the student army formed with the sole aim of mobilizing in order to seize control of Essex County and eventually all of Massachusetts. They describe themselves as something close to Dumbledore’s Army from Harry Potter, but it is the opinion of The Gorilla that they look a little more like the lost boys without Peter Pan.

 

Dean of Students Fan Club: Comprised only of freshmen.

 

Anti-Disturbance Club: A public service club that violently arrests students that make noise in silent study. While their methods might be a little bit unorthodox, Head of School John Palfrey has decided to let them continue their work, stating “they’re arresting the worst kind of people”*

 

 

 

*This is not an actually quote from John Palfrey

30 Rejected Senior Superlatives

Senior Superlatives are in the making, so we here at The Gorilla decided to hack the administration and release the list of 30 senior superlatives that were considered to be “too far.” We come to you as Andover’s Edward Snowden and hope you appreciate these superlatives.

1. Most Likely to Cut a Bitch First Period
2. Den High Roller
3. Most Diverse Gut Flora
4. Most Patagucci
5. Best Looking On Paper
6. Most Likely To Say They Did Badly On A Test And Still Get A 6
7. Worst Couple That Ever Dated
8. Most Privileged (100-way tie)
9. Most likely to be an Android
10. Most Superficial
11. Longest Hibernation Period
12. Highest Blood Caffeine Content (BCC)
13. Weakest Twitter Game
14. Most Likely to Get Swiped Left
15. Most Regrettable Right-Swipe
16. Swollest Senior
17. Prettiest Scattergram
18. Senior “Fluffy Bunny”
19. Most Affected Vernacular
20. Most Disillusioned
21. Most Likely to Get Rejected From First Choice School, take a gap year, “discover self”, become a Tibetan monk, live in the Himalayas for 3 years, get arrested in protest against oppressive regime, end up in Beijing jail with serial killer cellmate, break out of prison, stowaway on ship containing zoo animals, end up on rowboat with tiger, stare deeply into Richard Parker’s eyes, realize it was all a huge mistake, and return to Andover as a Teaching Fellow.
22. strongest eyebag game
23. Most Likely To Be On Tinder “For The Conversation”
24. Most Likely To Invite A PAPS Officer To Juul With Them
25. Most Likely To Drink (And Like) Wild Sweet Orange Tea
26. Most Likely To Get Into Bunker Hill Community College
27. Most Likely To Make Some Whack Class Apparel
28. Most Likely To Wear Some Whack Class Apparel
29. Most Likely To Be Trans-Ginger
30. Most Likely To Bring Their Own Spices To Commons Because Commons Is NOT Flavortown

Den Closed for Exonian Experimentation

In an effort to gain an edge in the upcoming Andover/Exeter games (or Exeter/Andover if you live on Mars), the school administration has kidnapped and is currently experimenting on Exeter students in the den. Many people mistakenly believed the false email sent out by the “student co-presidents” was simply a punishment for students being filthy animals and not knowing how to pick up after themselves, but we at The Gorilla have obtained exclusive evidence of a much more malicious intent. Field reporter Steel B. Eams witnessed the scene after getting lost looking for Paresky Library. “The look of terror on his face as he painfully recounted his volleyball team’s pre-game workout routine was shocking. I couldn’t believe it!”, Steel wrote in an email to The Gorilla. Freshman Djet Tfuel reportedly heard cries of “We are B-E-T-T-E-R” coming from the den. Tfuel’s testimony has led us at the Gorilla believe that the administration may be attempting to brainwash Exonians into cheering for Andover in an attempt at sabotage.

 

However, recent reports from our Exonian insider Hugh Jugeek have told us that the Andover administration’s actions are simply a response to Exeter’s abduction of three varsity soccer players: Adi D. As, Leome Si, and Slatin Eebraheemobich. Said Jugeek, “I saw the three of them being led into the concrete jungle last night, and I heard a couple faint shrieks coming from inside its mysterious bowels”. Jugeek’s testimony confirms suspicions aroused by the players’ disappearance, which was noticed after a devastating loss to the Jayvee Oneboys last Wednesday.

 

The den is set to reopen on Friday, so we are assuming that either the administration has extracted all they can from their prey or they are moving their abductees to a more secure location. Until the football game ends on Saturday, however, we may never know how deep this rabbit hole goes.

 

In other news, The Gorilla would like to remind you to Wreck the Ex

 

 

The Gorilla has updated our privacy policy

Seeing as the age of technology is upon us, we here at The Gorilla have taken it upon ourselves to update our privacy policy to fit both our needs and yours. Don’t worry, we’ve prioritized ourselves.

 

The Gorilla Privacy Policy

We firmly believe that privacy is unimportant and meaningless to you. If it were not, you probably would not have a Facebook, Twitter, or LinkedIn account: and you certainly wouldn’t ever use a search engine like Google. If you’re one of those tin-foil-hat crazies that actually care about privacy: stop using our services and get a life.

We agree with Mark Zuckerberg when he pithily opined “The age of Privacy is Over.”

Our privacy policy is a reflection of this conviction. Therefore, to satisfy the absurd privacy requirements of various legal entities (and so you understand exactly where you stand with us) we are pleased to present our privacy policy:

1. We are the company that cares about your privacy. Specifically, while most other companies are concerned with protecting your privacy, we care about profiteering and violating it when expedient or useful.

 

2. You may think of using any of our programs or services as the privacy equivalent of living in a webcam fitted glass house under the unblinking eye of Big Brother: you have no privacy with us. If we can use any of your details to legally make a profit, we probably will.

 

3. We will track and log everything we can about all the dirty (and clean) things you do and like with cookies, GPS, secure connections and or whatever technology exists today or becomes available at any time in the future.

 

4. By using any of our services, you grant us permission to surgically implant a tracking microchip of our choosing in your body and sell all collected information to the highest bidder . . . and to all other bidders. You also agree to regular updates and re-installs of said device entirely at our discretion for up to 50 years after the end of your natural life.

 

5. If the opportunity arises to sell or otherwise use this or any information, data or metadata about you or your world, we will jump at that opportunity like a pitbull on a fresh steak

 

6. Please email us to tell us some of your secrets. We may, at our sole discretion (or lack thereof), broadcast, reveal, sell, manipulate, or otherwise use these secrets, or any information we collect to our benefit whenever, wherever, and however we choose.

 

7. We are right now looking at you through your webcam. Do you always move your lips like that when you read? We also recorded what you were doing last week and are sending the video to (you know who). If the prior statements are not true, it’s because in addition to everything else, we reserve the right to lie to you, and you agree to believe us and hold us harmless for any and all such lies. Furthermore, if we are not recording everything you’re doing through your webcam, it’s either because we haven’t figured out how, you’re just not that interesting, or both.

 

8. The Gorilla reserves the right to seize any and all work that you do while at Phillips Academy and beyond for any and all reasons.

 

9. We want your first-born. No Arguments.

 

10. Much like Rumpelstiltskin, we will give you a gift. That gift is comedy. In return we may demand may other things including, but not limited to: Random articles of clothing that you are wearing, Your nose (just like your father), your corpse when you die (whether by our hand or another’s), or all of your chargers.

 

11. We get to call you names. Like “stupid” or “little pig boy.”

 

12. The Gorilla reserves the right to set you on fire while you are participating in any performing art if your performance is not suitable to our standards.

 

13. By simply reading this document you agree to it and all of its clauses.

 

14. We are serious about all of the above. So don’t go trying to sue us later with some nonsense like “I thought that was all satire.” All your privacy belongs to us. We mean it.

 

15. Cookies: We like chocolate chip cookies. You agree to furnish any employee or associate of our company with fresh chocolate chip cookies upon request. That’s the price of using our programs and or services (in addition to any other price we come up with).

 

16. Spam. You agree that nothing we do with the access and information you grant to us shall be called Spam: even if it is. We prefer the term “bacon”, because . .. mmmmmmmm bacon.

 

*We change this Privacy Policy from time to time. We will not reduce your rights under this Privacy Policy without your explicit consent. We always indicate the date the last changes were published and we do not offer access to archived versions for your review. If changes are significant, we’ll provide a more prominent notice (including, for certain services, email notification of Privacy Policy changes). A cookie is a small file containing a string of characters that is sent to your computer when you visit a website. When you visit the site again, the cookie allows that site to recognize your browser. Cookies may store user preferences and other information. You can configure your browser to refuse all cookies or to indicate when a cookie is being sent. However, some website features or services may not function properly without cookies. A unique identifier is a string of characters that can be used to uniquely identify a browser, app, or device. Different identifiers vary in how permanent they are, whether they can be reset by users, and how they can be accessed. Unique identifiers can be used for various purposes, including security and fraud detection, syncing services such as your email inbox, remembering your preferences, and providing personalized advertising. We stole nearly all of this. For example, unique identifiers stored in cookies help sites display content in your browser in your preferred language. You can configure your browser to refuse all cookies or to indicate when a cookie is being sent. On other platforms besides browsers, unique identifiers are used to recognize a specific device or app on that device. For example, a unique identifier such as the Advertising ID is used to provide relevant advertising on Android devices, and can be managed in your device’s settings. Unique identifiers may also be incorporated into a device by its manufacturer (sometimes called a universally unique ID or UUID), such as the IMEI-number of a mobile phone. For example, a device’s unique identifier can be used to customize our service to your device or analyze device issues related to our services.

 

An Interview with 🅱️oys Volleyball

Boys Volleyball recently finished their season with a 7-3 record. Some were disappointed in the performance of the Boys Volleyball team (mostly the significant other of Baldomero Agapito ‘18), but it happened to be one of the best seasons since Genghis Khan, John Palfrey’s relative, and Andre the Giant played for BV Volleyball. Our faithful field reporter went out to get some primary sources on the season.

While most of the team ignored her, Blay Criggs ‘19 and R-dawg ‘18 happily responded. “We had a great time,” said Criggs when asked about the bus rides to the games. However, when asked about the season, he responded that it was “Not as good as we would have liked, the climb up Mount Hermon tired us out.” R-dawg chose that moment to chime in on the food they ate on their journeys: “Only the biggest ham goes on the deep dish pizza, it’s so deep that it’s deeper than the [crater] left by the meteor that killed the dinosaurs.”

Recently, our colleges at The Phillipian have stopped publishing articles about BV Volleyball. In his declaration of war, Blay Criggs exclaimed that The Phillipian is full of “a bunch of stiffs that can’t take a joke.” Criggs told our field reporter that in their highest stupendousness, BV Volleyball was “funnier than the eighth page.”

In addition to all of this, our field reporter was able to get a picture of the action:

In other news: A local student was accused of being salty. However, he tastes more like Paprika

 

Note from the Editor: All of these quotes were consensually given by members of the Boys Varsity Volleyball team